Well, I was drunk, and we were having a party one time at the house. Someone shouts out for steaks and Millie comes in the door with half a cow over her shoulder.

Now Eddie was using the barbeque for some bizarre experiment involving a box of beanie babbies and the oven was broken and the only thing available was a toastie maker, and so we jammed the two together.

Of course we had some problems with the fat dripping everywhere until we jammed a rock under the back and used a paddling pool as the drip tray.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and it was gone midnight on a saturday. Now Roger was over for the weekend and as usual he fancied a game of tennis. I didn't have any racquets and so we had to improvise. I grabbed a couple of frying pans and Roger grabbed a couple of trays from the seven decker barbeque we built the year before and welded them together.

Not the problem was we had no [tennis] balls between us and so we stole the pancake mix that Terry left in the fridge for the morning. After a couple of attempts we realised it wouldn't work straight from the fridge so we warmed the pans with a blowtorch to cook the batter and make it stick together. Next thing we know we're flinging waffles at each other over a net.

Two days later everyone in the house was eating them and we had twelve 'Irons' in a row cooking non-stop.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and with it being 3am it was the perfect time to do some DIY. Now I was hoping that if I got to work right away I could put up a new extension to the kitchen before anybody else got up for the morning and I could surprise them.

Well out in the shed I discovered a few hundred tons of freshly cut lumber, only problem was there was no screws, nails, glue or gummi bears left. All I had was a truckload of novely croquet sets and an old Bazooka left over from a party.

Prop the planks up, stand back, shoot. a work of art, and an all new George Foreman invention.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and we were in the middle of a drinking competition. We were into our fourth hour and I was well ahead by at least three gallons so I stopped for a snack break. Carmen had just baked fresh pies and sausage rolls so I grabbed a plate and headed back for the bar.

Alternating between pints and sausage rolls I caught a bad case of the hiccups, debilitating though it was I refused to retire and carried on. Unfortunately one hiccup sucked the sausage straight out of the pastry and lodged in my gullet. Nearly asphixiating I collapsed forwards onto the glass, fearing for my life.

After a second I realised that not only was I not dying, I had finished my pint and so ordered another. I noticed i still had the pastry tube between my teeth and saw the unlimited potential. Next day, I sold the idea for another few million, pastry tubes wrapped in clay to make them last longer.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and we were celebrating the new year in a field. Now as the evening wore on the brandy ran out and we had to move on to the sherry and eventually the vodka, but strangely in the dead of winter this still wasn't keeping us warm.

I had to use my imagination fairly quickly otherwise we might catch cold and die, so i grabbed a couple of girl-scouts we had packed before coming out and started beating them together to make the air currents flow.

After only a few seconds the girl-scouts started spitting sparks, which obviously stunned us all, until one dropped into the empty bottles at our feet. Hey presto! Burning shoes!

Next morning, I found we'd burned the field to stubble and even worse, the vodka, wine and gin had all been finished, but at least we now had something to keep us warm at night...

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and Vladimir and I were enjoying a decent game of chess over the phone. He'd just moved to Minsk and there was nothing to do there so he called me. Obviously I wasn't up to scratch so it only took me 2 moves to storm his castle and capture the royal family and hold them to ransom, so we were left bored again.

Anyway, I had an inspiration and I stuck my phone lead into the diskdrive of my computer and got Vladimir to do the same. I was hoping to send a surge down the phone to blow up his machine to give him something to do to stop him from getting bored. When I noticed that he had some naughty pictures on his hard drive. Well, I copied them, sent the surge and called everyone I knew and did the same, even with those who didn't have a computer.

Two days later I'd run out of disk space for the ninth time and sold the whole lot off to Mr and Mrs Google.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and we were out back playing with some of the old stuff we'd discovered in the back of the garage. There was a couple of hundred eggwhisks of different varieties, a poolspreader or two, a breadspoon and the laserblaster.

I used the laserblaster first and shot the gazebo, which I never liked, it was too tall. Eddie turned it up a notch and shot a tiny hole through ayres rock, which everyone agreed was a good trick. Of course on my next throw I put on the strobe function and blasted the neighbors house.

Everyone had a jolly laugh at the thinly sliced wallpaper and pets but only I looked at the breadmaker and spotted a new marketing potential.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and obviously on a friday night the concoctions were getting wild. The vodka with the brandy, a few pints of Port and a swift yard or two of Sherry. Now Eddie had dropped by and of course he was holding up the bar while he poured various toxins into glasses making them fizz and bubble.

The Fearsome Four then decided to demonstrate synchronized burping of the complete works of Guns & Roses, but Burt got too close to the flares as he reached the climax of 'November Rain' and let off what had all the effects of Napalm. He was fine after an hour or so, but it led me to thinking with my scientifically adept mind as well you should know by now.

After a little tinkering in the garage i came back to the party with a standard bottle and plunger combination, but this time with a remote lighter at the bottom. Of course the first effort made the shed explode, but what is science if it can't make things go boom?

A few more tries and I had 8 litre bottles powering the disco lights, the stereo stack and the Bay City Rollers.

Genius!

Well, I was drunk and in a creative mood. We were attending a concert in town of the greatest works of Einstein's Great-Grandfather's Nephew's Poodle. The 9th concerto was just getting into it's intro of dogwhistle and triangle when a trio of badly disguised mimes broke into the auditorium and held everybody up at mythical gunpoint.

The mimes were quickly subdued by fifteen superheroes who were lying in wait for them after cunningly working out their clues that they had carved onto the local war monument. As they were being cuffed though, a happy concert-goer in the middle stalls had suffered from a mutagenic attack and transformed into a five-hundred foot lizard creature. The army of vampire zombies didn't help either.

Obviously I had to step in to help, so I put down my cocktail and leapt into action. It only took a minute. It was a tragedy in the end though, I had left the lens cap on my video camera. The Tate still paid a few hundred thousand to display it though.

Genius!

Well, I was bored.