The List

1. Do not flush the toilet just as I'm about to get in the shower
   
2. Don't do that, it irritates me
   
3. You bend a book of mine like that again and I'll shit on your neck while you sleep
   
4. For god's sake stop whistling
   
5. That cheese didn't just eat itself, you know
   
6. Laughing about microwaving of animals and babies is in bad taste
   
7. No, I don't care what it says on the packet
   
8. If no-one's answered it after the ninth ring, no-one is going to fucking answer it
   
9. Stop dragging the conversation round to my crotch
   
10. No, a bent paperclip is not a deadly trap
    
11. No, not even with strychnine
    
12. Just because I didn't mention a bent paperclip doesn't mean it's not on the list
    
13. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it
    
14. No, I don't want your opinion
    
15. Neither am I overly interested in your collection of monkey saliva
    
16. Or your mothers secret gooseberry flan recipe
    
17. No, nobody else here put the hoover to their eye as a child
    
18. Or ate a spoonful of salt and sugar
    
19. Or licked the hamster
    
20. Yes, that's just you
    
21. No, that's not funny.
    
22. That was because it was me doing it.
    
23. Stop asking me about Shameless.
    
24. Really, I mean it. There is pain on the way.
    
25. I'm not going to tell you what the secret plan for the Nationals is.
    
26. No, it doesn't involve Badgers, room numbers or Shep.
    
27. Calm Down.
    
28. There better be a damn good reason why there's a fork in the microwave.
    
29. No, that's not good enough.
    
30. Yes, I do know that cheese doesn't bounce.
    
31. That looks disgusting.
    
32. No, I don't want to taste it.
    
33. There are NOT 8 main meals to each day.
    
34. 'Cornflakes on Toast' doesn't make one of them.
    
35. This is my list, not yours.
    
36. No, I don't care if you've got one too.
    
37. Stop drooling on the sofa.
    
38. I don't want to know, I haven't seen it yet.
    
39. I don't want to know, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.
    
40. Just because you can't see it in the bathwater, doesn't make it worth reaching for.
    
41. A phone has 10 numbers on it. You press them in order and talk to people.
    
42. Pressing them in the right order is usually helpful.
    
43. No, I really don't want to change my service contract.
    
44. No, I'm not telling you that either.
    
45. No, Tracy doesn't live here.
    
46. No, I'm not lying.
    
47. Mr Beat-you-to-death-with-a-bat lives here, would you like to see him?
    
48. Stop that.
    
49. Yes, I really mean it.
    
50. I did say.
    
51. Eyepatches can be very comfortable.
    
52. Depth perception is horrendously overrated.
    
53. Don't worry, it'll wipe right off and I can write with it some more.
    
54. Stop whining and get off the floor.