Harry Potter and the identity of the real Chosen One

Tuesday 7th February

Harry Potter was completely unsuitable for the job of 'The Chosen One'.

It's pretty certain that ninety percent of the internet agrees with me.

There are plenty of sites out there that go into great detail as to how unqualified the little speccy git was for the job, or how his dad did so much better than him whilst being a Hogwarts student, or even how Neville would have been a much better choice for all of the reasons listed above plus he still had his parents, even if they were a bit bonkers. In fact, if any student was going to go all Bruce Wayne on the world, it would be Neville.

But no, Neville is not my pick for who should have been the chosen one.

Neither is Hermione, because let's face it, all she ever really did was read a LOT of books. The furthest she got down the road of being truly special was to whip up a batch of polyjuice potion, and even that she managed to ruin by turning into some hideous cat-being.

Furry fantasies are not to be included in this blog. Ever.

Snape comes next on the hit list, because if ever there was one of the 'good guys' to be in a position to nip the thing in the bud, it's Snape. Ten minutes after the closing pages of 'The Goblet of Fire' he could have shown up, sworn his loyalty and then stabbed up the mo-fo without any bother. He could then have collaborated with Dumbledore from that point on for a quest for the horcruxes.

Apparently he was too much of a coward to even do that much brutal murdering. Shame on the name of Snape.

Nope, there is a perfect candidate for the role of 'Chosen One' in the roster in the books. I'm not projecting onto some basic third level character we only see in book two for a page or so, I'm talking major character here.

I'll even give you another minute to figure out who I'm talking about.

Someone qualified, talented, able and brave. Intelligent, resourceful, young and I'll even go so far as to say that a backup team wouldn't be a bad plan.

Yup, you guessed it.

Fred Weasley. And his twin brother George.

All right, we'll redefine the term to 'Chosen Ones', but who does that hurt? Other than you know mo-fo-ing who, that's who.

I would now suggest that you go back and read the books, and every time someone mentions 'you know who' you should replace that in your mind with 'that bad-ass mo-fo'. It helps extend the life of the books.

Back to the twins, and why they are the bomb. I can even piece it together point by point for those of you that need things spelled out by bullet point, or need things in handy 'top ten' list format.

• They don't give a fuck about fear, rules or being scared.
  To put it into a shorter format, courage. Yes, they were already in Gryffindor to begin with, but who else can claim to blow off the final year of school in such a showy manner, giving the finger to the current headmistress in front of the whole school? Who else set up shop in the centre of the wizarding world in the capital city putting up huge signs advertising that they were liberally giving the finger to the bad ass mo-fo and telling everybody else to do the same? Who else set up a pirate radio for the underground movement as soon as they found out that the so-called 'Chosen One' himself decided that he didn't need them?
• Technical Skills
  You remember them quitting the school? Riding through the school on broomstick while throwing long lasting spells around the place is about as good a piece of advertising as you're going to get. You can bet that images of the dragon firework, the portable swamps and the squeaking honking machines will be all over the papers the next day, in full motion.
  
  They created charms, spells and enchantments (of their own devising) that fully grown adult wizards couldn't get rid of or dis-spell. They then sold home made potions and items in the shop they'd been working on for years, potions nobody had ever heard of, of different potencies. The items they created were not just reliable, but multi-functional. They could craft shield spells into small innocuous items like hats or badges to such a fine degree that they had a government contract for them within six months of setting up shop. Have a think about the level of skill it takes to do that.
  
  So they could create items that were passive, powerful and didn't need any direction from the user to operate. They could go fully into battle tooled up and armed without any distraction from any thoughts about protecting themselves and could focus on taking out the bad ass mo-fo.
• Ingenuity, Networking and People Skills
  Who gave Harry the Marauders Map? The twins. Where did the twins get it from? Did they find this magnificently unique item that even the teachers and residents of the school knew less of than they did the 'mythical' chamber of secrets. They couldn't have got it from the creators, because nobody knew who created it. They either found it, in which case they shouldn't have any problems whatsoever in hunting down some dirty old Horcruxes, or they were given it, proving once again they had insanely good people skills.
  
  Remember how, many years ago, you had a problem talking to people of the opposite sex? How every word was laced with terror of being humiliated and defiled because you had dared utter it? Not a bit of it for the twins. Yule ball approaches and they get dates, not through careful planning, but by charm, confidence and balls. "You, me, date, Thursday" was about as close as they came to the formal, sweat streaked, terror soaked invitation that you or I would have come out with at that age. Nope, short question, positive answer. They have the people skills from an early age and not afraid to use it.
  
  Even when the pirate radio went live they could find the people to talk to on air and network to get as much information as possible. They were a team, if something or someone wanted finding, they found it, claimed it and got it to dance to their sordid tune. Thank god they were on the good side.
• Teamwork
  Harry had Ron and Hermione. Fred had his mirror image. So did George. They were a finely crafted team, right from the word go, they were identical, inseparable and worked in unison. I'm not saying they were telepathic, but they were about as close to that as it's possible to get and that's without the possibility that they might well have crafted some sort of telepathy potion between them.
  
  So sure, Harry could do the dumb, brave frontman duties, and he had Hermione for the book-learning and spellcraft and Ron for the … and Ron could … and he always had Ron by his side, but Fred and George were both smart, brave and were a well oiled pincer movement without even a seconds worth of formal training. My money is on the twins.
• Flying Wizards
  What is it Harry's actually good at? That question was posed to him in the Triwizard tournament. He had two answers, being bloody lucky and good at flying. Again, the twins are well ahead of him. They've got two years on him as part of the Quiddich team, in the much harder job of Beaters. They throw themselves into danger, time after time, putting themselves between their team names and the rogue balls for hour after hour. Nuts to your bloody dragon.
• Laughter is the Best Medicine
  Universe is doomed? Got a joke for that. Brother abandoning family to spend time at the office to kiss up to the idiot boss? Got a joke for that. God-father died while dropping through a veiled mist? Got a joke for that, though I'll probably not tell you just yet. Had side of face blasted and now missing an ear? Even got a joke for that. If there is anything more heroic and British than smiling in the face of adversary, spitting in the face of the enemy and carrying on, then it's probably queueing.
  
  

So I say nuts to Harry, to Neville, to Snape, to Hermione and Dumbledore.

If you want a Hero (or two) to take down the new bad-ass mo-fo, you know who to go to.

Vote Fred and George, for a better looking tomorrow, for joy in the future.

And for England, Harry, and Norbert's hairy nut-sack.