Matrix v 1. I've decided to call it the Vaguenet since there's no real name to it so far. You might have known it so far as the world inside Roleplay but from now on it's the Vaguenet. It's an addictive place to be with some rough patches and occasionally you see the glitches and spot the bit of sky that hasn't yet been painted, but there you go. It has many different sections and more ideas, themes, genres and styles than you'll ever find in anyone's film collection.

You might wonder where I'm wandering with this, but I've decided that as I've named it, I'm going to go live there and declare myself President. I can't map it, I can't describe a lot of it, I've never even met more than 1% of the people that have lived there and quite a lot of the place frankly scares me. I plan on being completely corrupt, having no helpful manifesto at all and I'll even ban any form of democratic election procedure. But at least I've read a book or two about the place and I've got a clue as to what goes on there, which puts me above most Presidents I've heard of.

Yours, from that huge castle on the hill.

Why isn't stupidity illegal? They say ignorance is no defence of the law, so why can't people be punished for the complete lack of common sense? Pushing prams out into the busy street less than 10 yards from a crossing ... reading the paper while on the phone while driving ... showing people your impression of Victor Meldrew ... it's enough to make Bruce Wayne forget his vows and go buy an Uzi.

Thank god for violent video games. Oh yes, and a point on that score. Everytime a kid is involved in something distressing, out come the list of things to blame. Music used to be the favourite, but now the new favourite is video games. So lets get a few points straight. They can be violent, a lot feature death and killing, there's evn a whole genre of fighting games. But they do increase manual dexterity. Hand eye co-ordination. It's fun. Plus it's something to do at home rather than sitting on the street corner at midnight with a two litre bottle of Diamond White Cider.

I'm not making the best case in the world here but there is something rather important. GTA is a big name to be blamed and if you look closely at the front cover of the box you might notice a little red circle in the bottom corner, it's a rating. of EIGHTEEN. It is ILLEGAL to sell these games to anyone below that age.

I'm not saying that the games are responsible for the melting of a childs mind. What I'm trying to say is that if you're worried about your kids, take a look at what they're playing. And why don't you know already? You wouldn't plonk a toddler in front of 'Freddy Kreuger's Greatest Stabs', so surely playing something called 'GoreMaster' should be a clue. The guys at Penny Arcade said it better than I ever could. Take a look

Where is Russia? I seem to have lost it and the internet's less than no good on this score. OK, it's the largest country in the world, bar none. But what continent does it belong to? It's obviously not a part of Europe since over three quarters of it is stuck to the top of China and Mongolia. It also cannot be a part of Asia since it takes part in silly things like the Eurovision song contest and the Euro footy championships.

I'm now leaning towards the idea that it's actually a lost alien space-creature bent on assimilating the planet and is slowly crawling towards Iceland. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just co-incidental that Vladimir Putin and Heinrich Himmler both shared a birthday today.

Happy Birthday them.

The Italian Job. Get Carter. Alfie. The Time Machine. The Ladykillers. I don't get it. Is Hollywood so insecure? Are they really trying to make the world forget that there was and are other studios that make better films? Are we to forget such classic films? Scenes like the rooftop chase in the minis? Is Ealing Studios to be consigned to the realms of doubt and mystery? Do me a favour people and go out and buy these films, the originals, on DVD ... NOW! Go out and make sure you have them on your shelf before they get deleted and wiped from existance like this is a George Orwell nightmare!

Every year the producers of the world tell us they have slush piles of scripts sent in by writer hopefuls that stack up to the ceiling and no-one has the time to read them, but instead of finding the true classics and the new geniuses of today, they dig through the old back catalogue and make kack re-makes of truly great films. What's to come next? Passport to Pimlico set in the Bronx? The Ipcress File with Nicole Kidman taking Michael Caine's place? When will the madness end?

So stay sharp and keep away from the trash.

'Allo 'Allo, well I've just recovered from three days on a coach from oldham to paris and back. Quit good fun, but you really should just fly or take your own car or something. The Channel Tunnel was infinetely dull though. You get on a train and then you sit in a tin can until you pop out in Calais. The benefit though is that it is quick. But being 6'5" tall is not fun trapped on a coach for THAT LONG. Ho well, job done.

Now many things scare me, dentists, spiders, large chainsaw wielding ferrets but I learned a new fear this weekend. French Drivers. The theory goes that if there's some tarmac in front of you, it's yours, Traffic lights make pretty colours in the night and zebra corssings are nothing more than something to aim at. The picture on the left is a perfect example in that picture what you can't appreciate is that EVERY VEHICLE YOU SEE IS MOVING. And that includes the ones coming the other way.

The worst place is around the Arc de Triomphe. It's a roundabout about 10 lanes wide all around, but don't worry about that because there's NO markings. Unlike every other roundabout in the world the traffic on it has to give way to traffic coming onto the roundabout and EVERYBODY treats it like a rally course. We were in a coach 15' high, 30' long and weighs about 20 tons, and still everybody felt like taking us on, even the mopeds. The best part about it is that your insurance is automatically invalidated while going round it. No insurance company will ever touch it, it's that bad.

The Louvre was great, though you could do with a week to get from one end to the other, so all we had chance to do was run from the entrance to the Mona Lisa, then leg it to the other side to see the Venus DeMilo, then back out to the bus. Mind you, if you're not that interested in art, that's probably the best way, if only to say you've seen them.

Notre Dame, The Louvre, Arc De Triomphe, The National Assembly, The Moulin Rouge, The Eiffel Tower, Napoleon's Tomb and a cruise down The Seine. All were seen, and for the most part just driven past, though we did find time to get to the top of the tower. Which was nice.

I did discover the french national hobby. It's 'staring at people agressively'. I don't get it, every where I went, other than when people were trying to sell me tatty copies of the Eiffel Tower for a tenner, there were the rampant starers. Chin out, eyeballs popping, there were the Parisiens looking at people as if to say "You lookin' at me, pal?" It's lovely to see such a sense of warmth in our European neighbors.

One thing that did get on my tits, on a professional level was the rampant bollocks spouted on every tour, sign and tatoo visible. Paris is the centre of fashion, romance, culture and love. No mention of things like the Guillotine, wars with everybody on the planet they could reach, Napolean, the smell, the traffic, the cheese-eating-surrender-monkeys, and lets not forget the fact that for every fine wine produced in France, there's another eighteen that are crap vinegar.

That being said, it is a place well worth seeing. Just go prepared. And try not to go through customs control wearing a t-shirt saying 'Big Comedy Bomb'. ooo-poo.

Au Reviour, Mon Frere.