Let me put this to you in a clear and concise manner. I would KILL to do voice-over work. Now I'm not talking about adverts or corporate videos, though that would be cool enough. I'm talking about voicing cartoons or more especially video games. I would kill for the chance.

To be the voice of a much loved cartoon character like Dangermouse, or Stewie (Family Guy). To be the voice of the next Tommy Vercetti or Master Cheif. Hell, to even get a cameo on 'Red vs Blue' or 'Weebl & Bob' would be frigging fantastic. I would lay down another persons life in a brutal and bloody sacrifice to the joy of being heard. Well, I think I would.

Although I get to pick who's life.

• The Michael Jackson trial started yesterday, and I don't know whether to be disgusted and ignore it all, or revel in unadulterated raw emotion. I think I'll be moderately interested when information comes my way. Take yesterday for example, Martin Bashir (remember HIS documentary?) took the stand for the DEFENCE. And he said absolutely nothing, claiming Journalistic Priveledge or some such crap. Hang on, you're here to help the defence and you don't say anything?. I'll make you a prediction though, I don't think Jacko's gonna take the stand. Why should he? O.J. didn't and he got found innocent.
  
  
• Penguins Quack.
  
  
• I've found one of the founders of modern roleplay and managed to get in touch with him. Dr Olaf McHairy Von Rumpy-Gumpy-Bum, noted swedish Archeaologist, Pr0n Star and Roleplayer has agreed to deliver a breif presentation at the hotel we'll be staying at for the 'Student Nationals' on Saturday 2nd April, starting at 7:30pm. The subject matter is purely up to him, but I'm assuming it will be something to do with either Roleplay, Archaeology or Pr0n, possibly all three at the same time. It is an honour to have him along for the weekend and I would like everybody to treat him with all respect due to his qualifications and to the man himself.

Man, why is it not the end of the month yet?

I'm fed up. It's tuesday and I'm already fed up. I want to be elsewhere doing something else. I want to be at Alton Towers throwing sticks and ice-cream at school trips. I want to be rafting down the Rio Grande with an army of pixies. I want to be under the sea in an octopussies garden by the shore. But I'm not. I'm here. Again. And that sucks.

Do you think that the richest people in the world ever feel like this? Do you think Billy Bob Thornton felt like taking a day off sick the day they filmed 'that scene' in Monster's Ball? Do you think Bill Gates has ever been bored in the last 20 years? I imagine they would occasionally feel bored. So anybody that's rich, I'm available for hire and I can think of stuff for you to do anytime of day or night for a small fee.

• I'm Bored.
  
  
• New Comic is up, or at least it went up yesterday. Some people like it, some don't. Some people want to pick holes in the continuity of it. I don't really care, I thought it was funny enough at the time. If you don't like one comic then in theory it's only a couple of days before the next one. But I am planning on using more songs as inspiration.
  
  
• Hopefully I've left this for long enough for people to just miss the info. If you watch the pub scenes in tonights episode of 'Shameless' on Channel 4, (the last of this series) then you'll be able to see me in the background. Before you ask anymore, I'm an actor and occasionally I get asked to do these things. I would like to do more. If you know of anything happening that needs actors, expecially 6'5" tall long haired ones, then let me know, I'm interested.
  
  
• 23 Days left to go until the Nationals. mmmmmmm, juicy.
  
  

Hasta La Bye-bye

Obscure fictional characters. To those in the know they always bring a smile, maybe even a quote or a bit of reminiscence. Zarniwhoop. Barry the Talkative Time Sprout. Sgt Bothari. The Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells. Each of which means something to those people that have read or seen them before, otherwise they're just names. Maybe not the baby-eating-bishop-of-Bath-and-Wells but you get the idea. So is it cool to know who these people are or just sad? It's like having the key to a very select club with no clubhouse and members who you don't know who they are.

So is it worthwhile knowing them? If the membership fees are to spend too much of your time reading obscure and out-of-print books and films, then it could be. But there is a slight smile on the face of somebody when you mention "Blood washes away sin" that makes it worthwhile. Its a shared experience that is made better for the sharing, even if you were alone and a long time ago when you did.

SO NEXT TIME I LEND YOU A BLOODY BOOK TO READ, READ IT, ALRIGHT?

• I'd love an entourage. Does anyone know where you can hire one for the afternoon?
  
  
• Dr Olaf McHairy Von Rumpy-Gumpy-Bum will be bringing along some of his books to sign at the Hotel on the saturday night of the Nationals, along with a couple of his documentaries on DVD. Just to let you know.
  
  
• Bling?
  
  
• Oh yes, and on May 6th I'll be taking a trip to Denby Dale in search of evidence of the Worlds Biggest Pie (which never existed, it's all a conspiracy). I'll also be hitting a couple of pubs on the way. If you're interested, feel free to consider yourself invited.
  
  

Oh look, Goldfish.

Dave Allen has died. This actually means something to me. Comedy, to me, is the means in which we can carry on our lives without our brains frying at the endless stupidity of it all. So when one of my heroes passes on, it touches the world in a darker way. I shall miss him.

It saddens me when a man like that dies. Someone I respect that I never got the chance to meet. I never got the chance to tell him how much he meant to me, and how much he made the world a brighter place to live in for who he was, and what he said. I cannot now say this to Dave Allen, nor Eric Morecambe, Kenneth Williams or Peter Sellers, and this saddens me.

I have nothing amusing to say, though I should. When Graham Chapman died, John Cleese had the bottle to stand at his fulneral and say "Thank god the bastard's dead", not because he meant it, but because it needed saying. It proved that comedy must go on. The saturday after the world trade center came down, 'Saturday Night Live' asked Gulianni live on the show about whether it was all right to be funny after a tragedy such as that. He told them that not only could they, but they must, because the world needed to keep going. I beleive in that. I truly do.

I shall not be making a special comic to mourn his loss, or mark his greatness, though it would be easy to do so, my only note on this are these words. But I will say this, though I have tried the stand up comedy scene, and found it to be fun, though too much hard work at the time, I may go back to it and try again. And to those comedians that are out there, Ade Edmonson, Rik Mayall, Bill Bailey, Ross Noble, Dominic Woodward, Dylan Moran, Ardal O'Hanlon and the millions more, keep at it. The world needs humour, because there is far too much sadness and suffering to overcome without it.

And to all out there, 'May your god go with you'.

I hate people. Most people, most of the time. Since my computer's been running constantly for the past 12 hours getting rid of all the junk and Virii and crap like that then you might be able to guess why i'm in a sociable mood.

I really don't understand the mentality of people that create them. But I will. When I next catch one I'll read his mind. After I've gouged it out of his skull.

• I need a drink. And it's St Paddy's day. George, Patrick, David and Andrew. Why is it that people care about St Patrick's day? Are we trying to say that the Irish are better at drinking than us? I damn well hope not, the english are just as good (if not better) at making complete arses of ourselves while drunk.
  
  
• I love my magic powers. Three of the BURPS last night were in their university bar discussing 'Big Bad Jon'. I leaned over and said hello. They seemed strangely surprised to say the least. I love it when that happens.
  
  
• But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game...
  
  

Fishbowl

OK, I've been on sailing the midnight ocean for a week now, and I have to own up that I'm quite thrilled by the prospect. I've joined up to Puzzle Pirates and played for a while for free, but I've just paid for a year subscription with money I had lurking about in my Paypal account. It was cheap cos dollars are worth squat at the minute.

The deal is a whole bunch of puzzle games all wrapped in a huge piratical world where people shout 'Yarrrr' a lot. There's tetris-like puzzles for fighting and sailing, board games for the drinking, tile matching for shipbuilding... shedloads of them. And you start as a bod on a desert island dressed in rags. You build up POE, (Peices of Eight) buy clothes, get a decent weapon, and from there it's up to you.

Maybe you'll just get a job doing puzzling for wages on an island you like, or join a crew and go sailing. Pillaging other ships, either bots or pvp, you'll earn a buttload of money to do with as you please. You can get land, build shops, build a ship, paint it, crew it, fill it full of goods and go sailing to sell them elsewhere. You can even end up king of an iland or island chain.

Best part is sailing with friends, all aboard ship and whaling the seven seas. So here's my invite... come join me... I sail as Hypnobob on the Midnight Ocean, as part of the crew 'For the Love of Rum'.

.... when the server's working

A week ago I took a look around Bradford University campus and the hotel we're staying at to see what was where and what's going on and so on. The hotel was easy enough to find. The rest wasn't.

In fact the little signposts around the place aren't the greatest ever and the bloody Students Union is a bugger to find. Using my analytical brain I managed to find them soon enough, but to help others i took a few pictures and wrote some directions down HERE

• Now without my knowledge the bloody HOBBITS got hold of a contact number for Doctor Olaf and got an interview with him before the nationals. As jealous as I am, I'll still give you a link to it HERE.
  
  
• 9 Days to go.
  
  
• Has William Shatner completely lost his mind? I just ask out of curiosity. Oh yes, and it was his birthday yesterday.
  
  
• OBITUARY - Sadly we must mourn the passing of Villain Supply. It was a source of joy and fun, henchmen and burning acid baths with mutant sharks. Even Phoenix Labs bought their last base from them. We remove our hats for the passing of genius.
  
  
• I've just got a new camera memory card. Where I could take a maximum of 40 or so pictures... I can now take over 750. SO BEWARE. I mean really, look what i did last year
  
  

Boing. Boing. Boingboingboingboingboingboingboingboingboing. Boing.

You know, it would be nice, just once, for some feedback to come in. Something along the lines of "That's nice", "I want your babies", "You've changed my life" or just "Why haven't you said anything new in a week, you lazy bum?" So here I am, tearfully waiting by my inbox hoping that somebody out there is caring about my existance enough to send me a pity mail.

Actually that's a damn lie. Not the lack of e-mails or feedback or anything, (it's not like I would expect anything from you other than unadulterated worship) more the fact that I've been elsewhere. I've been on the phone sorting out the weekend, playing Puzzle Pirates and generally enjoying my holiday. Oh yes, and I've been eating snakes in the russian jungle. HOW MUCH FUN IS THAT!?

Now I'm off to play some more stuff, and I'm probably not gonna be back for a while since I'm away all weekend at the Student National Roleplay Championships and being very drunk. I'll tell you about it when I get back. I promise.

Oh, and there's a new comic by the way. Sorry I only put it up tonight. I forget.

Toad in the Hole, anyone?