Yesterday I picked up a copy of FX:Murder By Illusion from Morrisons from their bargain bins. Such a grand classic film as FX for a couple of quid cannot be passed up! Gleefully I thrust it (and a copy of Shallow Grave) into my basket and proceeded to the checkout to cough up the few pennies needed and propegate my homeward collection with said article.

And that would have been an end to the matter if my eye had not been caught on the back of the case for a split second as I realise the year of its creation. 1986. Nineteen Eighty fucking Six. oh my god. This film has been around now for twenty years. I was only ten! People I go out drinking with hadn't been born then. Neither Bush had had a sniff of the White House and Maggie was the Lady of Darkness.

I was most likely playing with He-Man action figures and thinking about the scary idea of going to big school the next year. Politics meant as much to me as the offside rule, and as far as i could work out most people hated both. I have dim recollections of playing out on the street such games as "Hide and Seek" and "Kerbie", the occasional massed game of "British Bulldog" in the school grounds involving numerous injuries and countless dogpiles.

My musical taste was snapped around then because the only things to get played in the house were my sister's copy of the Grease soundtrack, my brother playing The Rocky Horror Picture Show and endless upon endless loops of Frankie Goes to Hollywood singing "Relax". Even now I feel the need to kill someone when that song gets played. Oh yes, and did you know that 1986 was the year the Knight Rider got cancelled?

To be brutally frank I can't even clearly remember what video games I had at the time, be it the time of the Atari 2600 that got robbed during a burglary or the Acorn Electron we had for years.

But films do stick in the mind. (By this point it was a couple of years after my brother got me to watch Driller Killer which scared the living shit out of me). Oh yes, FX being one that stuck. It's clever, it's witty, it's got violence in it, best of all, it's fun. And it wasn't the only one that year. Films that are 20 years old and need to be watched again. Films you'll remember and be scared of their age. I mention a few below, all from 1986.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
One of the all time greatest films of all time! Who didn't want to skive for a day and get away with everything they did. I was just an all out cool film from start to finish.

Crocodile Dundee
I take it you've seen this. Most people have. In fact more people have watched this than have complained about the weather. So why is it the only bits anyone seems to remember are the tranny in the bar and the knife?

Top Gun
Though people rave about this, I've never sat through it all the way from start to finish. I've probably seen all of it in bits, but if a film is guaranteed to make me fall asleep while it's on, this is it.

The Golden Child
I - I -i-i--i-i- I Want the kniiiiife! Granted, I didn't watch this film until it had been around for a while, but Eddie Murphy, demons, strange dragon women and horrible rituals... how cool is that?

Aliens
Again, didn't watch this for quite a few years, but you can't deny that it's a fucking great scifi film. And it had a big alien/robot fight at the end! Rock on!

Star Trek IV - The Voyage Home
The one with the whales. Everybody remembers this one... with the nuclear wessels, and the invisible spaceship in the park and Spock in a white dressing gown... cooome oooooon, you know you love it.

Basil the Great Mouse Detective
Fuck you, i was ten and thought it was excellent.

Short Circuit
Name 3 Steve Guttenberg films not including Police Academy... A talking robot with feelings. awww. see? cos the thing is safe for a family film cos there's no chance he can go on a mad rampage and pull people's arms off. 'cos he's a nice robot. see?

Stand By Me
Why did they let kids watch this? It's blatent that kids aren't going to get it. All I remember thinking when I first watched it was "My word, that's quite am impressive amount of vomit onscreen" But the tale of four boys on a adventure to see a dead body makes more sense the older you get. Although a lot of those thoughts ride along the lines of I wish I was a kid again.

Transformers the Movie
Bwang! Bloink! Woopwoopwoop... how in the name of unholy fuck they got the names they did for this I have no idea, and frankly, when you're a kid, you don't care. You just care about the funky noises. BanadadadadadaaaaaaaBloink!

Something I've not done before. Might not do again. It didn't take that long to do and it amused me. What more can you ask for?

1. I had a look at I Will Dare and thought 100 things might be fun to do.
2. Batman is always gonna be better than Spiderman
3. I counted last night that I only have 46 N64 Games
4. But I've got over 80 PS2 games
5. Of which I've not even loaded about 10 of
6. But completed around 30
7. I almost NEVER trade in games or consoles, not even duplicates
8. I found a Sega Dreamcast last night I never knew I had
9. Including an N64 : Pokemon Stadium that is unintelligable bollocks
10. I have never completed any Final Fantasy game
 

11. I have too much to do
12. Rule 1 of comics no longer applies. Bucky isn't dead anymore
13. You know what amuses me? Final Fantasy ... 2
14. I cannot help but mentally spend the million pounds I don't have ... yet
15. I must write some more comics soon
16. Sports fanatics make absolutely no sense to me
17. Insurance companies are all run by Satan
18. Claims companies are even worse
19. and Telemarketers deserve their own special pit of hell
20. I understand the rule of 9 in logic puzzles
 

21. I can SuDoku Carol Vorderman's arse off
22. I can't multiply 2 numbers together if they have 2 or more digits
23. Unless you put an X and a Y in them
24. My boxroom now has my consoles nicely lined up and ready to go
25. I've still got to floor the other half of my loft
26. I've never understood voltage and amperage
27. I passed my GCSE Electronics through the use of Logic Gates
28. I have an unhealthy fascination for Textbooks and How-To books
29. I've probably read close to 30 books and novels since new year
30. I really hate the cold. I mean REALLY
 

31. There is too much to learn about everything in the universe
32. If you specialise in one thing, the more micro your specialism, the more likely you are to be interviewed on tv about it.
33. I'm really proud of all the teams I've taken to the Nationals
34. We're in danger of winning this year
35. I really do get irritated rather quickly
36. I buy too much from Amazon and Play
37. Miles Vorkosigan is my hero. Well, One of
38. I felt like wearing a tie today for no reason
39. I'm on telly tomorrow night, Channel 4, 10pm. "No Angels", Series 3
40. I want to be on TV more
 

41. CurlyWurlys are still great
42. 100 things are quite hard to come up with
43. Penguins amuse me
44. I love organising events for groups of people, and I'm good at it
45. My largest event was for 130+ people last christmas
46. I've travelled through America, lots of Europe and most of the UK
47. Though I've never been to Ireland
48. I really want to go to Australia and Japan
49. I really want to fly first class
50. I have difficulty getting comfortable on planes and coaches and trains
 

51. Being 6'5" tall really has some disadvantages
52. Standing up in low doorways really really hurts
53. East Anglia has NOTHING but LOW doorways
54. My Freezer scares me. But not as much as my cooker
55. I am physically incapable of making an edible fried egg
56. I can however wire up your video/dvd/cable/tv system inside of 10 minutes
57. I cannot remember the last film I saw at the cinema
58. I remember my sister taking me to see Flight of the Navigator, she didn't get it
59. I remember my brother taking me to see The Bear, he also took his girlfriend
60. The first Bond film I saw at the cinema was A View To A Kill
 

61. If I cloned myself I'd have somebody to go up against on video games
62. But I'd probably end up killing me/him within a week
63. I've still got a huge scar on my knee
64. I met Desmond Llewellyn not long before he died. He was a top fellow
65. I'm still sorry I dropped out of touch with Michael Sheard
66. I wonder what happened to my Leatherbound Hitch-Hikers book
67. I've only been roleplaying for about 10 years now
68. Deadlands is still my favourite RPG
69. I have an incredible memory for songs and scripts
70. but I cannot remember the start of conversations
 

71. I spend an inordinate amount of lunchtimes playing Shisen and I don't know why
72. Generally, when skill alone needs prodding, I cheat
73. I really have absolutely no interest if any of my friends are gay, bi or like humping rocks
74. I like my friends to be happy
75. I'd quite like to be happy myself
76. Finishing a tough task is a fucking fantastic feeling
77. Barbequeing needs a team of people, one person cannot do it all
78. I don't like Horror films, I get no fun out of being scared
79. Fantasy films bore me to tears
80. I love watching films that I know ABSOLUTELY nothing about
 

81. All I knew about Fallen before I watched it was the name
82. I have £1.56 in my pocket, this is not unusual
83. CAMRA are fascists everytime they pride themselves on a pub I cannot drink anything from
84. I can't drink real ales
85. Alcopops taste lovely
86. Guiness turns your poo to treacle
87. I want to design games, but a new idea is hard to come by every day
88. AOL have stopped sending me coasters
89. I have no idea why people don't understand the Denby Dale Pie thing
90. I really really hate it when people ask me things I've already explained to them
 

91. It scares me that people care more about Big fucking Brother than the gulf stream vanishing
92. It terrifies me that George W. Bush still has his presidency
93. I think I'd make a good Prime Minister
94. I've got absolutely no chance of ever getting there
95. It amuses me that people have conversations about poop
96. I think birthdays should be mandatory time off. One extra day a year is worth it
97. Town Centres should be firebombed every saturday afternoon
98. People should be nicer to one another
99. I love my darling Aliss beyond words
100. Though it's a mystery to me why she stays with me

What the fuck is this shit about now? OK, I admit it, I went to McDonalds on the web. I visited the home of the McFatBastard meal. I'll even own up to the idea that I was trying to find out what the special deal was today so I could decide whether or not to bother going.

Other than the fact that the corporate website is a travesty of caring bullshit trying to make a billion dollar company pretend they care about current issues, the environment... rather than just being a fat corporation that slaps "Meat" into buns and sells them for a pittance by the billion every fucking day.

Where was I, oh yes, the point... right, well after about fifteen second of this I got pig fucking sick of it and decided I didn't care enough about the deal to keep looking and so left... you know, leaving a site, you just click or type in another address and fuck off? Well Mc-Fucking-Donalds has got to have the last word before you do. Here is the screen they present you with. If you want to look closely then just click on the image and you can see it full size. Though for your edification, i've repeated the text below.

Now when this is presented to me, something goes ping inside my head. What in the name of unholy fuck made them put this on there? So there's a couple of thoughts that I had.

Personally, if you wanna leave my place then fine, I'm not stoppping you, and the door's over there. However if I was going to be egotistical enough to need your attention for that extra second, I'd probably help you on with your coat ... give you a big hug ... possibly even tell you to call next time so that I can have a cup of tea ready when you get here ... Here, have a mint, take two - one for later ... Oh, did you forget something? ... No? well if that's everything then you can fuck off right now so that I can get back to the sofa in peace and watch CSI, which I've now missed half of because you were here, you scrounging bastard.... You know, something cheery like that.

Is there a dark reason behind it...? "McDonald's is not responsible for the policies and practices of other companies." Are they terrified that someone would sue them because they stumbled onto a NAZI - Terrorist - Religious - Paedophile site and got confused thinking they were still on the site of the neon clown? Oh hang on, clowns can be pretty scary... Maybe they have a point. Again, personally, if I was as scared as they are of getting sued (and god help them, they've obviously not got enough money yet, bless 'em) then I'd fire the fucking clown, hire some literate staff at a decent wage and start selling something that looks like real fucking food.

The other possibility is they are stark staring fucking nuts. Oh ... hang on. Is it possible that when corporate bosses leave a room / a building / a country ... they don't realise it? They need the extra clue shoved up their arse? Well since every single one of their "Restaurants" worldwide has the same plastic shit on every fucking surface maybe that's not too far away from the truth. I say again... Maybe.

You make up your own mind. I'm just here to point.

I was in a quandry today. I didn't know whether to write about the non-existance of the nuclear deterrant or about video games, most notably Katamari Damacy. I even had a brief thought about verbalising how much I hate Sharon Fucking Osbourne, and then there's various idealogues working around random themes such as the surliness and workshy attitude of your average binman and/or road construction worker... How easy it is to drop into a jamaican rum-runner accent without being even vaguely drunk ... the health benefits of eating 8 stone of pizza ... the cross platform compatibility of CSS constructs ... Ray Liotta eating his own brain ... Where Lara Croft buys those tops, and what size her chest actually is ... What did dinosaurs do for fun ... Service helplines and the bastards that work on them ...

So as I sat on my thone made from the skulls of vanquished enemies and glanced down at the assembled minions, i realised that I didn't have the faintest clue what to go with. I told them to leave me alone on pain of a damn good kicking and was soon left in peace in the cavernous hall of my throneroom. In order to make my mind up I obviously needed a distraction or some way of making the decision in a fun and amusing way.

Well I removed my helm of many spikes and stumped over to the wetbar for a smooth tonic. I have no idea what I mixed but since I still have a taste of caramel in my mouth I would imagine it wasn't poisonous. I did ponder the height of the room and the echoiness off the backwall and think about having a game of squash, but since I hate ballgames I thought that might a bad idea. Suddenly Genius hit and I sent for the top Pro golfer in the land to be disemboweled and all of his posessions taken. (He smelled of puppies). And with his golf balls I went to the roof of my castle and threw golfballs at commoners. Using the bloodpattern and number of hits I made my decision as to what to talk to you about today. And here it is.

Jack Thompson's a bit of a wanker isn't he? I mean, that's just my opinion but he really is batshit bananas. He's now decided to sue Wikipedia unless they retract all of the lies that's on the JT page. I mean, come on... Unlike most pages on Wiki, everything written on the JT page has been verified about nine ways from hell, but still they've locked down the Wiki page while they check over it again. Lunacy, your name is Jack. May you rot in a looney bin and be spat upon by diseased camels. You can read about his latest endevours on GamePolitics.

... oh yes, and Stephen? I know you want my bumcheeks. But you can't have them. Ner-ner.

I FUCKING HATE SHARON OSBOURNE.

Why can we not just kill her now?

Have you ever juggled? I'm talking three balls in the air all at once? How about clubs? Hoops? different items? Chainsaws? Gerbils? Chainsaws AND Gerbils?

I used to juggle quite a lot. Somewhere tucked away i've got my clubs, diabolos, balls (juggling balls that is), and so on. I don't remember having any devil sticks and I never could keep a unicycle balanced, though that wasn't easy since I had the defective one with only one wheel.

But what got me was the plates. They're not easy to start, not easy to keep going, and as soon as you take your eyes off them they fall off and smash and you end up killing midgets. So obviously people decide to spin 9 at once. This obviously is my metaphor of the day. Try too much and watch out, cos you'll only end up killing little people.

So here we go, here's my rundown of my current plans and activities. I'll leave it to your imagination as to who got wounded and how in the course of these adventures.

Obviously fairly urgently we've got the Nationals. Those are on in a weeks time and the VAGUE team of 25 of us will be partying hard from dawn on the Friday. In the past few weeks I've sorted out and delivered the uniforms, getting the IDs done, figuring out payment, sending cheques, chasing people, beating people, more chasing people and phone calls. and debt, lots of. Oh yes, and I'm only about 1/4 done on finishing my own bloody jacket.

Comic. whoop! smash! gurgle!... 4 months now. But I am coming back to it. In a couple of weeks time I'll open up Act II with all new stuff.

Completed ICO, Katamari Damacy, did a bit of online poker, City of Heroes, Red Dead Revolver, Buzz! Big Quiz, watched some films, seen some TV, Namely Scrubs, CSI, Battlestar Galactica, Cold Case, Criminal Minds, Boston Legal and No Angels.

Viking Acting, tent making, stitching my winingas, weddings, stag do's, festivals and weekends.

Floored another section of my loft, and lugged another 20 boards (bloody big boards) from B&Q to my house, out of the car and upstairs and into the lost on my tod one day. That was fun. Not forgetting the new dining room set and the boxroom redecoration, both of which now look fantastic.

Webcode. I'm partway through the first part of my C&G exam, of which I've got another section to do tonight which I'm unprepared for. Plus I've got plans as to the functions behind what you're seeing here to automatically file and sort my blogposts. that should be a giggle. and i've still yet to learn sql.

Pretenders on a sunday once a month wipes you out for 2 days, minimum. one to do the preparation and downtimes and laughing at how to screw over the characters and the second day of being about 6 or 7 different people while doing the screwing over of characters.

So there you go. oops, there goes another one.squeeeeek!