Greetings folks, something worrying came to my attention last week, and so I've now got to bring it to yours. When did students lose the art of the drinking game? They seem to have got the art of throwing it down their neck at a phenominal rate and vomiting down pat, but the drinking game seems to have been lost in the meantime.

Now let me clarify something here. Drinking games are games to play while drinking, not games that deny or double the amount of booze that you are drinking. One is just mean and the other's no help for a long and healthy drinking session. And when you get onto the subject of toxic cocktails you know you're not going to be conscious by dinnertime, never mind into the evening. So beware.

Anyway, here's a quick list of games that you, as a responsible fun-loving drunkard, should know by now

The Rizla Game - Write the name of someone on a sticky note, (usually a rizla paper, hence the name) and stick it to a friends forehead, going all around the table. Asking only yes or no questions you've got to guess who you've been marked as. Famous or not, real or not, Male/female, dead or alive, so on and so forth. And when someone gets out the black absilthe, Kill them and go back to your pint.

Munchausen - More commonly known as 'Who can lie the fastest?' - Throwing progressively larger and more unbeleivable tales of adventure and excitement around the table in an effort to constantly out-do your fellow bullmerchants.

What to blow up first? A long ranging discussion as to which country, landmark or person you'd nuke from orbit given half a chance. or even a full chance, hell, go nuts.

60 seconds. Get three volunteers. The idea is to see who can time 60 seconds the closest in their own head. Get your watch, and on the mark they should close their eyes and count sixty seconds. Then walk away. Never fails.

If you're going to sing, and why the hell not, it's something fun to do, but be aware, there's a fine line between songs that everybody knows, and songs that people will recognise and start throwing things at you for..... Not BOB THE BUILDER, NOR DISNEY, not gloria gaynor. Learn some decent songs for once, Wierd Al Yankovic. The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Pogues. Monty Python. Half Man Half Biscuit. Levellers.

Cos I'm nice, here's a couple of songs for you right here and now.

Vague drinking song
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on,
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on,
Ah, Fuck yer.

The Nun Song(To be sung in the round)
I like spanking, I like spanking,
Spanking nuns, spanking nuns,
I like spanking dead nuns, I like spanking dead nuns,
Dead nuns bums, dead nuns bums.

and I quote ... "Think very carefully before answering, because if the answer is what I think it might be, then I'm going to burn you and piss on your corpse .... Am I my own mother...?"

I fucking hate people. Almost anybody you could name I can think of nine or ten reasons out of nowhere as to why I hate them. They don't even have to be real reasons, just accept they're there, OK? So when someone actively pisses me off, you know I'm gonna hate that person goooooood.

I buy things on eBay. I don't buy a lot of things on ebay for the simple reason that I don't buy a lot of things generally. I might buy a game or something from ebay once a month or so. And when I do buy, I use paypal and usually pay as soon as I get the message saying I've won the stuff.

Now for those of you that don't know, there's such a thing as feedback on eBay. It's a little function where you can say what you like about the people that you've completed a sale with to say whether they're worth doing business with. But the problem with that is that it's a cocksucking exercise and the practise is to leave a positive feedback so you can get one yourself. It's worthless for telling you what people are like unless they've got bad marks against them, and then you mostly do business with them anyway.

I couldn't give a shit about it. Some people will only let you buy their stuff if you've got at least a couple of plusses, and most people don't care. If someone's polite enough and a good trader, then I'll say something nice, or if i'm bored and on ebay I'll probably say something. I don't do it for trade and quite frankly I really don't care. So we get onto the e-mail I've just received.

I bought a book a few weeks back. Won it and paid inside a couple of hours, fuck it, I probably paid up inside of a couple of minutes before the seller knew it had been sold. Then had to wait a week for them to bother going to the post office to send it to me. Not read it yet, but I will soon enough. Now the last thing I'm expecting is an e-mail a few weeks later nudging me to leave feedback for the seller.

Cheeky Cunt. It's a voluntary system and I quite frankly don't care and probably wouldn't like you if I met you. I bought a fucking book off you, what do you want? A blowjob? How would you feel if you had to sign a guestbook whenever you went into Argos or Debenhams? You see, it's expected that as a buyer, I'm supposed to leave my feedback first before they graciously leave any for me, so that I can't leave anything negative without them doing the same. Well fuck them.

So I replied to the e-mail. It was difficult knowing how to phrase "fuck off and die you cheeky ratings whore" into small enough words for them to understand, so I went with sarcasm. I mentioned that I was just soooooooo very busy what with everything (giggle) it would just be super fun!!! if they could leave me some feedback and I'll have a lovely little ponder about it when I next check out my account. And then I'll tell them to get stuffed. and to stuff themselves good too.

Generally, Don't do business with friends and when the people you're doing business with try to be your friend, watch their eyes, cos they're probably just wanting to fuck you in the arse while screaming "WHO'S THE BITCH NOW!"

Ahh, happy days

I got a new bit of software on my machine the other day to cut out a load of the detail work involved in writing this blog. And today I just spent an hour writing a rather good tale of what happened to me this week. Guess what it's done with it? Cos I ain't got no fucking clue.

Ballsacks.

After yesterday's debacle with modern technology I have reverted to a simple old school methodology of my notepad. Though for those of you that care I am no longer suffering from my complex hybrid of leprosy and bird flu.

I do have the tale of what happened last year and over the next year I'll be giving you the lowdown on the way to the next one... including the phonecall i had on tuesday. Though my tales would probably go better if i had my camera, which I don't, or had a clue as to which photos are on it, which I haven't seen. Oh well. I'll get it back next week.

But in all seriousness I've acheived a great many things this week. I've completed Prince of Persia : The Two Thrones for one. And I have to say the ending was quite spiffy. I also logged my PS2 games again. And in case you're wondering, I've now got eighty five PS2 games and a couple of others that are missing, presumed stolen.

Now out of that eighty-odd, I've not even loaded about 10 of them into the machine. 30 or so have been loaded but are incomplete. Meaning the other 40 odd have been in the machine and out the other side, yes I've completed them. Yay me. And that's not counting games I've borrowed. So it springs to mind a few ideas that i'd like to write probably next week while I have some time, like the top bestest video gaming moments on ps2. The top 5 things you know you've done on Goldeneye that you know you shouldn't have. The why have you not played this game? list.. and much much more.

One thing I wish I had though is a video-in card. well, a video-in and out card would be good.... but with a video in I could take screenshots and paste them onto the site to show you what I'm talking about more often. ho hum.

And why is it, that with lots of things I've been reading this week, the phrase "covered in bees" has come up so often this week? And because I'm probably going to forget to point at it later, fans of Metal Gear should read this issue of The Last Days of Foxhound, particularly the last 3 panels, I thought it was hilarious. Maybe it's just me.

Peace out my mo-fo's. And keep gaming.

It's game time again, and I've been feeling a bit apathetic. I bought some games from a little exchange place last week that was having a clearout and I've just got around to playing them. Namely Killer 7. I want to like it, I really do, but it's wearing me down and I'm not too far from decaring it to be a rather large bag of steaming donkey shit. Of course if I do declare such a thing then at least it'll give me something new to put in the reviews section. I'll give it another try over the weekend and get back to you with a full report.

I do however have some exiting news for you, guess what I bought last sunday from a little shop in Leeds? Yup, you guessed it, a BinaTone TV Master MK6, obviously. It's got six games on it, including tennis and squash and rifle shooting. It's got two controllers and it's bright orange! Or to put it another way, it's one of the first home console units and it was released to the general public in !977. That's why I'm proud of getting it. Now I've got to figure out the wires I need and see if it works. Until then, it's staying in its plastic wrap.

So recently I've been thinking about great moments in video games and gaming over the years. I loved the intro sequence to Duke Nukem : Time to Kill so much that I now own a couple of Stabbing Westward CDs. The FMV in most of the Final Fantasy games is quite groovy, though the chainslide in FFX was truly fantastic. Spitting on the corpse of Dr Robotnic in Sonic the Hedgehog. Turning really big monsters into chickens in Ratchet & Clank. Performing Unique Jumps while listening to the classical channel in GTA3. All of these are wonderful stuff and I'll go into more depth later, but I decided on something that you'll either know, have done or really really need to do at some point.

Way back in 1997 Goldeneye was released on the Nintendo 64 console. Obviously it was going to be shit. It was a film conversion and the very very large written law is that when a movie becomes a game, it shall be a large pile of donkeywank. And then there was Goldeneye. It looked like the film, it played like a dream and there was plenty of opportunity to be a naughty bastard. Here is a breif list of things you should have done by now.

1. Paintballing a Smiley Face onto the wall
   One of the fist cheats you open, and the first game that offered it as an unlockable extra, Paintball mode. As soon as you get it, tell me that the first thing you did wasn't paintballing a big old smileyface into the wall? Admit it, you did it.
2. Hiding in the shadows in the labyrinth
   Camping at it's best. The little alleyway next to where the shotgun's hidden. Sit there and wait for someone to come running past. You've got to love blasting their faces as the opposition sneak past and get a face full of buckshot.
3. Oddjobbing
   Oddjob. What a little bastard. Shortest character in the game and far too easy to shoot over the head of while he shoots you in the pods. It's an epidemic until eventually you give up and make the houserule not to play with him.
4. Giving Alec a Headache
   The final level, on the antenna when you finally catch up to Trevelyn and he runs away from you. You've no choice but to run after him and shoot him in the head. A LOT. Blasting at his noggin from a distance of 2 feet with the uber-machine gun is very very wrong on a lot of levels, but it has to be done otherwise he'll get away from you and kill you with two shots.
5. Capping Natalya
   In the jungle, the mighty jungle the bitch gets in the way. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the bitch deserves to die! ah-wooooooooo ay-ay-ay a wim-bambam-bawaaay. She's a good shot when she bothers to shoot at something, and occasionally will be quite helpful, like one time in twenty. Otherwise when you're sneaking through the bushes taking a bead on a soldier she'll quite happily stand in front of you and ask what you're upto? After 20 or 30 tries at this nightmare of a level eventually YOU ARE going to load it up, pull out the magnum revolver and cap the dumb bitch in the face. The level fails instantly but it feels sooooooo good.
6. The Mayday Banquet
   OK, I know not a lot of people have done this, but it's too hilarious to miss out on. Take a 3 player multiplayer. Player 1 is bond. 2 is Mayday. 3 can be anyone, they're just there to be the camera. Get them all together in the one room. Get Mayday to crouch and go right up to Bond so they're touching. Then make Mayday look down and up while getting Bond to look towards the ceiling. From the perspective of Player 3, it's the best simulated video game blowjob in history. I haven't seen better yet. And the best part is that it can be done with any of the characters in the lead roles. Though the Jaws/Oddjob coupling takes a bit of work.

Call me sick if you like, but it's things like that that amused me. If you can think of a spiffy moment in Gaming History, drop me a line. I'm compiling a list

Peace out, ma peeps