I hate football. In fact that's not true. I don't mind football as a game, it's something I can safely ignore. But I truly despise the footballing culture that you get in this country. It's as if every fan truly believes that it's the most important thing on earth and we that DON'T like football are obviously the mental ones. Well to you that believe that, I have a message for you from the millions of us that don't give a toss about the leagues, the players, the wives, last sundays match, sky sports 1 and especially not the fucking world cup ...

1. We don't care. Really. We don't care and we're proud of it. We'd rather think and discuss things more important. Like paint. or biscuits. fuck it, anything is more interesting.



2. We have no interest in Wayne Rooney with his elephant head and his penchant for shagging grannies.



3. The St Georges cross flag is a sign of patriotism. While standing in the stadium in Munchengladbachousenshaft about to watch the Poland game feel free to wear one, wave one and paint your ugly face with one while singing some blatently racist but amusing song made popular during the second world war. Sticking a mini flag onto the window of your car to flap in the wind as you drive down the M6 just makes you look like a twat. I live in england. I don't need to see it in your window, on your car, stapled to your dog, on your t-shirt, shoppingbag, computer or children to be reminded of this fact.



4. The TV does not belong to you. In fact, think of it as a privilege in the same way that convicts are permitted to watch TV. Take the piss for too long and the fuse might accidentally blow. Or the channel might accidentally change at a crucial point. Or we might just have to record over the second half of the match you recorded last night with something more worthwhile. Like Strictly Ballroom.



5. What did your child do to deserve to be forced to wear that crap?



6. When we get knocked out of the world cup. Get over it. England hasn't won for forty years, go back to your celebrating that victory, probably from before you were born.



7. While you're welded to the sofa, or the pub or wherever, We'd like you to know that there's a big bright beautiful world out there that we are enjoying in our myriad of ways. And you're not invited and you won't be missed. You want a beer from the fridge? Get it yourself you lazy bastard. And I hope you miss a goal while you're away.



8. Finally, we outnumber you, and we're always around. We're the ones that deliver your post, fix your electricity, sort out your e-mail, keep the telephone working, file your taxes, look after your bank accounts, serve you in pubs, teach your children and serve your presciptions. We don't have a problem with you watching your silly little game but it's not important to us. We don't want the ubiquitous flags everywhere, we hate the god-awful songs and we are inspired to laugh every time we see an you in an England shirt you've blatently paid a ridiculous amount for. So stay out of our way, otherwise we'll piss in your beer, rip the flags from your cars and we'll be waiting in the alley with a cricket bat.

I hope that clears up any confusion, have a nice day.

Having looked aroudn again I was overwhelmed by the amount of top-ten lists that I am assailed by. It seems that people have no hesitation in writing one of these the minute a new thought hits their brain and it doesn't help that they're so quick and easy to do and pass off as journalism. So here you go, here's one for you.

1. Scratched my Arse
   Obviously the first thing that needs doing each morning is a bit of a strech and a sneaky scratch. make sure every limb is in order and all bones are still connected to the ones they're supposed to be connected to. A yawn was in order, though I did pass on the chance to have a quick sniff.



2. Had a Lie In
   Being the kind of person who has to get out of bed before 7am on a normal weekday, and normally being in a coma until at least 9 I take it as a personal insult if someone tries to make me get out of bed in the morning on a weekend. Gently opening the eyes every hour or so to watch the alarm clock jump forward in time is a lovely thing.



3. Watched TV
   Mindless drivel reigns supreme on a Sunday. From kids telly that's not even good enough to make it onto Saturday morning to such intellectual gems as Bargain Hunt and Songs of Praise. Sitting on the sofa waiting for my brain to liquefy while my eyeballs seep in another episode of ..... you know, I watched something yesterday and have absolutely no reccollection of what it was.



4. Thought about working
   I sat for a good few minutes looking at my computer contemplating turning it on and checking my e-mails. Thankfully I resisted temptation.



5. Fantasised about being a millionaire
   A Big House. A big house with a swimming pool. a big house with a swimming pool and bar, with a garage with many cars and a chauffer. a big house with all of that stuff and a big AV lab with video games and loadsa gadgets everywhere....



6. Made Toast
   Man cannot live on bread alone. So i put margerine on it too. And snaffled a croisant while i was walking past.



7. Played some Video Games
   Sonic 1, Ocarina of Time and Luigi's Mansion. Nothing was safe from my hunting. I captured ghosts, spiders and gold rings. Then dropped the gold rings, then grabbed more gold rings, then dropped the gold rings, then collected more gold rings, then dropped the gold rings, then swore at the fucking telly and threw Sonic the bastard Hedgehog off a cliff.



8. Kicked the Beanbag
   My new beabag is chairshaped and faux leather. It makes noises when you rub it. And it's purple. Rub it, stroke it and sit on it. mmmmmm, you know you want one.



9. Stroking the Cat
   It's fun to plot the downfall of existance while stroking a cat. They must be attuned to such thoughts and amplify them. I wonder if that power can be harnessed?



10. Taking a Shit
    There are fewer simple pleasures in life more enjoyable than having the entire house to yourself and sitting back and reading while the world drops out of your bottom. Personally the crap I took yesterday was monstrous. I think it was something to do with the iron tablets I'm taking. I'm sure i could hear it clank.

It was a good day

So it's the end of another academic year again. We in the working world wouldn't have the faintest clue when the next holiday we can be arsed to take would be, with the exception of those poor saps with kids who can name exactly every half-term and the dates of when their squalling shitboxes are released from the care of their neuroses-riddled underpaid educational slaves commonly known as teachers... I digress. Yes, apparently it's summertime again, as proven by the semi-naked students flitting about the city scampering with the freedom of having no more work to do until september, and so life for them splits into the two categories of those needing to work seven jobs to afford the pot noodles, or daddy's money. And for those of you on daddy's money, how's about throwing a bit this way?

I'm reminded of this because my night school course is drawing to a close and we're doing our final projects. Which means that sooner or later I'll get my wednesday evenings back... on top of that the student union will be closing soon giving me my tuesday evenings back... though the Viking season is getting underway stealing all of my weekends until October. Which obviously brings me onto my birthday.

My birthday this year is indeed the end of the third decade i've been around. Yup, I'm turning 30. So being the wild egomaniac that I am I've decided to have a massive blowout. Of course, being a lazy bastard I've only just managed to sort out a venue now I find out that the date that I've picked is not only the same weekend as one of the biggest vyke shows of the year, but the same weekend as the british golf open and the speedway world cup final. oh well, if people can't make it for then then fuck em. It'll still be a big party. I'll post more details as they come up.

Other than that I've got more shit on my plate than I can deal with and I'm utterly fucking skint. How's that for giggles? and payday's not for another two weeks. Ah well. on to plan F of trying to keep my spending down. hey, at least i don't have any loans apart from the mortgage.

Monday's suck

I don't actually have anything to say today. My brain's too busy on other things. I've got my final bit of exam for the night school course coming up tonight and i've got to write a script for this weekend. So I'll leave you with a quick stream of consciousness, since that's what I've been accused of writing here.

-->> Stationary is an illusionary force destined to make us spend money in the drunken hope of being able to acheive an ordered life. That is why Staples exists. --->>> Money is too easily spent when you have none than when you're skint. If you have money in your pocket you want to keep it there, whereas when you have no cash you're forced to use a debit card which feels cheaper than real cash and so ends up getting used more. spend only real money and you'll be better off for it. --->>> Diet Coke must be full of those tobacco addiction additives because the high and low are just soooo good --->>> Time is a fallacy. Worktime doubly so. Bedtime is evil and thyme tastes quite nice on the right foods. Productive thought taken outside the working period are unpaid and unproductive thoughts on working time are paid. --->>> Unproductive actions on non-working time is called fun. --->>> What would you do if everybody on the planet turned to dust except for you? except for go crazy through greif and lonelyness that is. --->>> Does everybody that isn't colourblind see the same green that I am seeing? --->>> Why do people complain about the DaVinci Code? if you've read the book then it's a good enough translation and if you couldn't be bothered with the book then what were you expecting? Terminator 4? --->>> I wish I was healthy and rich.