September 07

Did you remember yesterday?

Wednesday 12th September

Good morning Children. Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Well, it's been a rough and tumble summer, what with everything and so I thought I might as well fill you in on a couple of details. And bring you upto speed.

The Bad …

Life is a humongous ball of ultimate shit. Or at least it has been. I've had no money, been overworked, pissed off, ignored, overtaxed, sniped at and thoroughly fucking depressed for a good few months. I've been getting on with life, but in terms of anything beyond that, you can forget it. I've been hiding on the sofa hoping the bad bad world will go away and leave me alone. I'm pulling out of it now, but still, don't upset or anger me and we'll get on better, ok?

I've not received an unsolicited e-mail to my vaguenet account for nigh on a year now. So my impetus for bothering to do anything online has dwindled even more. Plus when I deleted Vaguenet to start rebuilding it, nobody noticed or cared. So it's been sat half empty for the past 5 months. Still no comments.

No acting work. 2 years ago I did shameless, Life on Mars, No Angels and a few other bits. Last summer I had 10 seconds worth of background on Coronation Street. In 2007 I have had one phone call to see if I was available the first week in June for a day. Which I wasn't because I was going to Norway that day. Which means I've not acted on film for 2 years. On stage for even longer.

Being King RAT for the Vyke is intensely stressful since it's a never-ending job, and in the course of which I'm managing to annoy people I don't want to annoy. Which sucks. Mind you I've also managed to offend people that I despise so at least that's one good thing. Fuck them.

My body has been demonstrating it's inherant hatred of me vocally and often. With constant trips to the hospital, surgery, GP and nurses office this year. More surgery to come, but the antibiotics are done with. And before you ask, no I'm not going to go into detail.

Work has had deadlines, big, pulsating, horrible deadlines that are immovable and very difficult. Just looking at the stuff I've been having to do makes me feel fraudulent. I nearly worked through lunch sometimes.

I've been too far up my own arse recently to acknowledge that some friends have been having truly shitty times too while I've been wallowing in self pity and spit. This one I'll apologise for.

The Good …

With the help of some close friends, I've been pulling my head out from between my buttocks (which isn't easy, even with Yoga training) and dealing with my life. I've got a new (to me) car, some time off, work deadlines finished and my darling Aliss, always my rock and I love her.

Which Means …

It's time to occupy my time with too much, that way I can get some strange sense of validation and a small ego boost. I do this for my own self-worth, but if anyone wants to chime in and offer some moral support, then I shall be most grateful. Ah who am I kidding, predicted reads = 0. Anyway, back to the list.

I'm writing a book. I've finished chapter one. I'm rather proud. Another few thousand words to go until the end of chapter 2.
I'm putting on a show. Dracula by John Godber to be exact. And I'm playing Dracula. It's been too long hoping somebody else will do something for my acting career, I'll bloody well do it myself.
I got a very nice gift from my webhost, including databases, domain names and a cheaper offer, So I'll start working on web-projects again.
I promise to try as hard as possible to get at least one post per weekday for the next month. That being said that for the next 4 weeks I shall attempt to post at least one thought. Be it a long ramble or a quick spurt. I attempt to do this to get myself back into the swing of it. Starting today, and ending on the 4th October. (cos I'm going on holiday for a week after that). If it goes well, then you'll have to see how much further I can take it. Don't expect Pulitzer material every day.

Yes, I'm not always a bundle of joy.

Shanghaid onto the Crimson Rose

Thursday 13th September

I'd make an excellent Pirate King.

None of this bosun or cabin-boy crap, no, I'm definitely the pirate king sort of man.

With a crew loaded with buxxom fighting wenches and a three masted ship of infamy. Yes, that works for me, while in dock it would be the greatest floating brothel this side of Barbados, and out at sea we'd be the fiercest fighting crew loaded with vicious harpies of dooooooom.

There are two ways of joining my crew, formal application or fast track. The formal application consists of four questions. Do you look good naked, Can you slice a man's head off with a cutlass, Do you like treasure, and are you a girl? Answer yes to all four of those and you're a member of my crew. The fast track is to accept a pint from me and wake up with a funny tingly feeling next morning in your own bunk onboard me ship. Yarr.

Killing people would have to be involved along the way, but I'm assured that's only a problem for people with a moral code, or ethics, or something like that.

Whatever they are.

And we shall sail under the Skull and Bone. Commonly known as the Jolly Roger.

Yarr.

That new Bourne thing.

Friday 14th September

Dear Mr Paul Greengrass,

I am writing to congratulate you on the completion of the third 'Bourne' film which I was delighted to watch at the cinema last night. I do however have some comments for your consideration.

To me, an Ultimatum is some threat or conditional statement, which seemed to me to be rather an important detail to be missing from the film, what with it being in the title. The closest I could identify to an ultimatum would be "Don't move or you'll die." Which he did, and he died. The entire transaction took a few seconds, not a very large ultimatum if you ask me.
I am a big fan of action movies. I really am. I love to see cars being blowed up and kung foo mac jobbies bouncing all over the place binging off things and bullets flying everywhere. I feel that they are great fun. I am assured that there were action scenes in your film, however they were slightly lost when the cameraman left the lens cap on and had an epileptic fit every ten minutes. I'm sure at one point I saw a car-chase through the blurring, but my companion tells me that was a spin-kick, so I'm not sure. If possible, can you make it so that I can see the action scenes in my action movies?
Speaking of camerawork, did you not have a tripod? Surely in such a multi-million dollar adventure epic you could have afforded one tripod. Argos sell them for under fifty quid, just one would have been good. Unless it was a directorial decision to film talking head scenes with the camera being held by a junky with DT's?
Did you not know that people are stupid enough to confuse Brian Cox and Albert Finney? One old guy dies in earlier film, another old guy who looks like the first old guy appears as a surprise twist halfway through the film. How are you expecting us not to be confused, the last time we saw the previous film was last year when we got the DVD for Christmas as a gift. You're just not helping. Pick somebody else for old guy number 2, for god's sake.
Oh, and if you would be so kind as to print during the starting credits "Do not talk constantly during the film or somebody will choke you on your oversized popcorn bag and leave you to rot." Because it would save me the bother of explaining to his girlfriend next time.

But good effort, I would be keen on seeing some more of your work when you finish your course at film school.

Yours Sincerely,

Big Bad Jon.

From the Video onto the Board

Monday 17th September

I don't mean to brag, but I am great. I mean really, I am just exceptionally good at being great. And that's not bragging, it's the truth. It's only bragging if you can't back it up, and you should ask anyone, and they'll tell you I'm great. And if they don't tell you that then find someone who's opinion actually counts.

I like games. I'm quite good at them. I have been known to win, on the odd occasion. And when I say the odd occasion, I mean every time I play, I school somebody and make them feel shame.

Actually I try to have a sense of humour about it so that people will keep coming back and playing me again, but I do win far more than my fair share of card and board games. Like Carcasonne for example. I've played it a dozen or so times and I've only lost twice. And neither of those was my first game. In fact I won about three games before I lost my first game.

Settlers of Catan, Escape from Colditz, Netrunner, Ticket to Ride, Monopoly, Cluedo, Cranium, I love them all and I'm good at them. It's safe to say that I will take you to the cleaners if you wanna step up and play me. And I'll take you on because I love to play and I love a challenge.

I've even been learning how to play Necromunda recently. The guy who was teaching me did a really good job teaching me. I whupped him three-nil the minute we started. Which was nice, even if I did leave him weeping in a cupboard. Oh, and ignore what he says about MarioKart, he's exaggerating, he doesn't beat me EVERY time we play. Fucking thing.

I bring this up for a reason. Mr Frodo and I played Ticket To Ride yesterday. It was a two player game and I wasn't in the room for most of it. He lost. Badly. Very Very Badly. I laughed.

Oh, and I'm getting into Dreamblade at the minute. Cos the figures are pretty.

So come and have a go if you think you're smart enough. I'm open to all challenges.

A Lesson In Tolerence

Tuesday 18th September

Dear Moron,

Let me explain something to you.

You are allowed to be racist. Really, you are. You've got as much right to be a racist opinionated idiot as I have to hate you for being a racist opinionated idiot. And trust me on this, I do hate you.

I'll even give you leeway for the fact that your parents and grandparents have probably been blatantly racist around you since you were born and you've never yet engaged your brain on the subject.

I am amused, though not much, that you're too stupid to realise in the face of overwhelming evidence that the chap you're referring to is obviously Turkish and not from Pakistan.

But for god's sake, are you really stupid enough to spew a full ten-minutes worth of insane bigoted garbage to your friends including species, ancestry, hygene and marital habits while he is LESS THAN 3 METERS AWAY preparing your supper?

Apparently yes, yes you are. Unfortunately I'm too much of a coward to bawl you out over it while there are 6 of you there.

I did like the wry smile the guy behind the counter gave me as you left though.

Enjoy your food.

Uni-VAGUE without Big Bad Jon

Wednesday 19th September

So I retired last night. Again. But it actually felt strange as I walked away, hat on head, bag in hand, through to darkness to my car never to return. Well, at least not for a few weeks.

But for once I actually felt as if i was leaving it behind, rather than always being part of me and carrying the job everywhere I went, I actually had the feeling of walking away. I know it'll be there and always important to me, and I'll be going back in a few weeks as a regular player, but I'm no longer the boss of the university society and it felt ... good.

Freshers fair is today for the new year. And I'm not a part of it for once. For all that I am and always shall be the grand high Uberking of all that is VAGUE, this year the university society is going to be run completely by someone else, with my full and absolute blessing.

I know they'll do a grand job.

Hey, Teacher... Leave those kids alone.

Thursday 20th September

I wanna be edumacated.

I has a few bits of certimification to proves that I haz brains, with a HND, a BTEC diploma, 2 A levels and I think 9 GCSE's by now. On top of that I've got my pope status from the church of the Subgenius, my permanent TrekMaster status, a few big-eater certificates, a buttload of Nationals awards and even a few certificates from butlins when I was ten.

And still this not enough. I must now trawl the internet for more awards, certimifications and titles to add to my collection. If Doctor Gillian McKeith and the Guardian's 'bad science' reporter's dead cat can buy a PHD online, then I want one too. I want to have lands with titles like barony and kingy. I want to be provably educated my the University of Upper Wallooon, I want to be the inheritor of all that is spangly and good of everywhere. And I want the papers to prove it.

Ooooo, that gives me an idea. Gotta Go.

Nicht Tempus. Nun.

Friday 21st September

Sorry chaps, don't have time to write anything today.

There is no post today.

There is no spoon.

There is also no reason to look behind the curtain.

There are also no blue smarties.

There is no cat in a hat, nor a mouse on the stair, right there.

And that large mound of corn? that's not there either.

Whistle while you work

Wednesday 26th September

The eagle eyed of you may have spotted that there was no blog update yesterday and Monday. But the even more eagle eyed of you may spot that more of VagueNet has resurfaced, with a little tweking here and there.

Look around and see for yourself.

Final Fantasy XII : Chicken Chasing

Thursday 27th September

Late the other night, I crawled out of the ruined castle. Bloody, tired, sweaty and in dire need of rest and relaxation, I emerged into the green light of the forest. I, with my trusted allies, had spent the past few hours wandering down darkened corridors while getting jumped upon by ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties.

I was tired. My two companions were tired. We had been exploring that ruined mansion for hours without rest or respite. We had slaughtered countless goblins, imps, ghosts, floating head-things and one exceptionally large robotic killing machine with an almost infinite amount of life. In that place we found no treasure, no crystals, no money, there wasn't even any bloody furniture, just monsters, traps and walls.

I stopped for a cigarette. Although I couldn't remember doing so, I'm sure I must have died at least once while I was in there, making me ponder on the nature of my own existence. Am I now a zombie, or a saint? Since I didn't feel particularly un-dead, I decided I must be blessed. But by whom I'm still making my mind up.

While sitting, breathing and most importantly, not getting threatened by armies of flesh-eating rippers, I spotted a chicken. A large chicken. A large green chicken. A large green sleeping chicken. Now I have nothing against the concept of a large green sleeping chicken, and by large I mean over 8 feet tall. I feel no ill will against it. But I do know that it's tail feathers go for a pretty penny down at the bazaar.

So I sneak up on a large green sleeping chicken. I slowly and silently glide over to the large green sleeping chicken. I reach calmly and gently over to the large green sleeping chicken. When Fran comes flying past me and rams her three-pointed spear so far up the chickens bottom that it is now poking out of it's beak.

I gather some feathers that are now lying around the place.

This was just the other night. After playing Final Fantasy XII for over 100 hours, I have seen much and killed more, but this seemed a little gratuitous. I'm still a long way from completing the plot, but I'm enjoying it, and hopefully I will at some point be able to tell people that I have finally completed a final fantasy game.

I do have a lot to say about it. I want to take you on a tour of the Caves of Hmmm. I want to show you my photo albums of creatures that are completely immune to being hit. I want to show you my weapons collection and the stats for them and see if you understand a blind word that it tells you. I was to take you to the bazaar and show you the magical way that the shopkeepers turn a couple of planks and some jewellery into magic gold armour. I'd even like to show you how you can eat your tea, smoke a cigarette, phone your mother and have a huge battle with a giant lizard creature all at the same time.

But the one thing that I have to tell you about before I go is treasure chests. Let's see if this is a logical thought process to you.

On what planet in the entire solar system is it in any way logical to think in this manner?

This is what you have to do for four treasure chests. In the entire world, there are four that you've not got to touch. Out of the thousands and thousands and thousands you come across, there are four without any special markings that you've not got to touch. One of them is even in the first area of the game, one of the first things you do in the game is look at it, open it, and fuck yourself for getting the big nifty toy.

Cunning trap? Or shitty trick? Well, I don't have the Zodiac Spear, which is the nifty toy in the box at the end of this little 'quest'. And anyone that tells you they've got the Zodiac Spear without reading the walkthrough or being told not to open those boxes REALLY early on…. Is a fucking liar. It's not possible.

Zodiac Spear my arse. I got Excalibur on first try. Thankfully. I was nearly dead.

Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 3

Friday 28th September

I love weekends. Especially when there's nothing to do except sleep and play video games.

I love chocolate. Especially milk chocolate, none of that 80 or 100% stuff from belgium.

I love porn. Especially that which has multiple ladies getting wriggly together.

I love games. Especially ones that go beep or ones that i'm good at.

I love lamp. No, that's a lie. I am ambivalent towards lamp.

I love poking fun at idiots. Which is easy because they are all around.

I love the water. Especially lying back in a warm pool contemplating the universe.

I love september. Especially while stood in the middle of studentland.

Looks like this weekend is looking up. Rah.

August 07

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