What are the words to PAINT IT BLACK?

Monday 24th December

December has always been a time of year when things traditionally go completely insane, and I don't help matters much by going just a little bananas myself. I'll give you an example, last week I was out in town drinking with people that I work with, and I not only didn't kick anyone to death, but I even smiled occasionally. Now there's so many things wrong with that sentence I don't know where to start, but I'll break down some of the more frantic bits of the month for you, and if you get bored then feel free to bugger off elsewhere, I'm not stopping you.

The Great Wii Adventure

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping, then saw a friend. We watched a movie and then did some more shopping together. Now before anyone starts thinking this might be a little homo-erotic or anything like that, let me tell you we watched HITMAN, with lots of guns and killing and manly stuff like that, and then we went shopping for video games, and there's nothing more manly than that.

So we're looking at games when I notice that behind the counter they had a few Wii boxes. Real Wii boxes. With real Wii's in them. This being the most ultimate gold-dusted-rocking-horse-shit present that is impossible to buy anywhere on the planet, and they had four of them. On a shelf. Waving at me. I waved back.

I said cool. I'm glad I got mine a year ago, but cool, there they are. Cue forward about 4 hours. I'm sat in the bar with the VAGUE mob and Wii's come up in discussion. As they would, it is Christmas after all. Someone mentions eBay and the fact that a Wii has just been bought for over £700. I start connecting dots in my head and my ears hear a ka-ching! and I ponder if the shop is still open at this time of night, and whether to leave early tonight.

On the drive home I ponder that there's a slim chance that the shop will be open at half past nine. I also consider that even if it is open, the chances of them still having the Wiis are in the realm of negligable. And if so then no harm done, I'll just go home. The shop was open. They still had Wiis, just. But here's the thing, they couldn't just sell me a console. Minimum purchase was a bundle deal. So it's £260 for a Wii and any three <£20 games or £300 for a Wii and ANY four games.

Since I'm not overly enamoured with many games, I start looking for the cheaper stuff to make up a £260 bundle. The shoppy leans across the counter and this exchange takes place.

Shoppy McGumbo : You having diffculty picking a third game?
The Greatness That Is Me : I'm having difficulty picking ONE game. Nothing really appeals.
Shoppy : Well, I only ask because technically … technically, Guitar Hero 3 counts as a game.
Me : What? The one with the guitar?
Shoppy : Yup.
Me : But that's marked as seventy quid.
Shoppy : Yup.
Me : So if I went for the £300 deal I could have one of those as my four?
Shoppy : If you wanted, you could have four as your four.
Me : Shit.
Shoppy : Just saying.
Me : Then I'll have two, and Tomb Raider : Anniversary, and Mario Party 8.
Shoppy : Done.
Me : You don't have Mario Galaxy do you?
Shoppy : No.
Me : Shit.
Shoppy : ?
Me : Never Mind, I'll just take those, please.
Shoppy : Done. Just don't go shouting it out to too many people, ok?
Me : Fine.

As if I would be so unsubtle as to tell people.

So I get home and log onto eBay to sell not only my new (and spare) Wii, but also my new (and spare) Guitar Hero 3 (with wireless Guitar). Now let me tell you something. While it's true that there's no Wii's to be had in any shop on this earth or the next, the same is not true of the money-grabbing leeches that dominate the world of eBay internet auctioning. There's fucking thousands of them, and the profit margin on a Wii is about ten pence. Not counting the postage and packing. Meaning that even if I shift it on eBay, I'll end up having paid about £80 for games I wasn't going to buy any time soon.

Still, I join the hoardes of restless leeches hoping to scrape a few pennies out of the begging masses. Unfortunately, this is a buyers market, especially with snipers about, so nothing and nobody is getting the money hoped for. I'm even debating going back to the shop and trying to get my money back.

"Excuse me, this rare as rocking horse shit item I got last night with an extra special deal and goodies? Yeah, I'm not so sure I want it any more. Can I get my money back?"

Let's not forget at this point I already have one Wii in my house, to have 2 might be seen as a little strange, especially since I don't have a 360 or a PS3 yet. So anyway, I try and attack option 2, find someone who wants one that doesn't know about eBay.

A friend at work found his neighbour in need. I told him to offer it to her for no less than £260, guitar hero included. He called me that night to ask if £290 was alright. I told him I'd think about it. Hmm. For about two seconds.

So that means that I've now got Guitar Hero 3 (with guitar), Mario Party 8 and Tomb Raider Anniversary for £10.

Add to that the Wii that I originally got for free through a complex series of interesting e-mails between me and the Amazon complaints department and I can't say I'm doing too bad with my Wii collection.

Bugger it, It's Christmas Eve and I'm going home. I'll talk to you again in the New Year. We can discuss philosophy and egalitarianism and public education and Jammy Dodgers and follicular disaster areas and hatreds and parasites and bananas with extra cream.

But that's to come. Have a good holiday and be of good cheer.

Even if the world is trying to get you to eat more sprouts.