Holidays : Buy one, get one free!

Wednesday 18th June

Life can be a touch stressful at times. I have a lot of responsibility and a lot of work to be done. So I did what any rational and forward thinking person would do. I left the country. Let people forage for themselves for a while … see how they like it having to use their own brain.

But I digress.

First stop on my world tour was Cyprus.

It was hot and sunny. I went with friends. I swam a lot and got sunburned. I stayed in a hotel that laid on a box of kittens for the guests.

Yes, kittens. You may now go ahhhh. There are 8 of them there.

Now I know that me having a good time is not something that you're overly caring about. Not unless I'm brutalising somebody in one way or another. So we'll skip Cyprus and move onto Norway.

I know you love to hear about my wacky adventures in Norway.

So what happened this year on the small island in a fjord in a cold country with no running water and no electricity…

Well, I crashed the tractor. There's only one vehicle on the island and I crashed it. When we touched down on the island I was given the keys to the only vehicle on the island to take all the heavy kit from the dock to the campsite. Within an hour I'd flipped it and managed to spill everything on the trailer all across the place. Didn't manage to make it explode though, so I'll have to try that again.

If anyone ever tells you that you don't get mosquitos in Norway, call them a fucking liar. Within 2 days every single one of the four billion midges and mosquitos on the island had decided that English flesh was the tastiest treat they'd had since time began. And after trying some of the tasty treats you can get in Norway it's understandable to have a taste for human flesh. I still have lumps on my arms, my legs, my shins, my hips and even my eyebrows. Do you know how itchy a mozzy bite on the eyebrow is?

Rocks. Rocks hurt. One night I went to sleep on an airbed and woke up on a rock. Granted, there was a little bit of plastic protecting my weak and fleshy body between me and the worlds most rocky surface, but my spine chose not to agree and started screaming. I would also like to express my thanks to the ground for being so sharp and pointy on my knees and the car windowframe for managing to twist my wrist. Many thanks, now I know what lots more pain feels like.

Cold, it was a touch cold. That is when it wasn't boiling hot. And then it rained. Which was nice, but the continuation of rain and then the wind. That wasn't very fun. And I was cold. Did I mention I was cold? It's a cold country is Norway. Definitely cold.

Oh, let's not forget the lack of fires. You see, on an island with no running water and no electricity, you kind of need a fire. You know, for heat and light and warmth and cooking. But no. Terror, abject terror by the Norwegians that we'd burn the island to the ground this year meant no fires. No flame of any description. No wood, no paper, no petrol. We had charcoal. Lots and lots of charcoal. Which is great for cooking on. But absolutely dog-pap for sitting around and singing camp-fire songs.

And on the way home we went on a big boat. And on the big boat there's a pool. And in the pool we had a swim. And while swimming one of my friends walloped me hard in the pods as he swam past. That hurt too. And one of the little girls came to give me a hug to comfort me. And when she swam away she kicked me in the nuts too.

I love going on holiday. It's so relaxing.