Blatant Hypocrisy

Monday 29th September

I'm a hypocrite.

A steaming great follower of hypocrisy and a massively huge egomaniac to boot. You could also use the words arrogant and stunningly gorgeous but since that's not relevant at the minute then I'll move on from them.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite.

I hate games reviews and games reviewers. Yes, by extension that means that I hate myself, but that's all right because I eat babies and can deal with the ravings of such opinionated madmen.

Anyway, games reviews. Have I mentioned that I hate them? I can even back this up with logical argument and coherent examples, rather than the bucket of kangaroo giblets you've come to expect. So here's me giving my list of reasons how you've been brainwashed and lied to for all these years and you shouldn't take it any more.

1. Money.
Ignoring completely the concept that some reviewers are the boot-licking lackeys of the games companies and are paid to make sure you buy their games. Yes ignoring that some REVIEWERS ARE THE BOOT-LICKING LACKEYS OF THE GAMES COMPANIES. Don't pay any attention to that whatsoever, my first point is a different one.

Have you ever bought a game? Did you feel that it was a quite good game? Did you feel validated to find that other people liked it too? Simply put, it pleases you to find that the website you're reading has given your favourite game a good score and so you come back to the website of like minded people who know how to judge things correctly, hence more revenue for them. But let's ignore the fact that they don't actually give bad reviews often. If ever.

Really, when was the last time you saw a review of ANY GAME less than a 5 out of 10? Isn't 5 supposed to be some sort of average between one and ten on any reasonable scale?

2. Technical glitches
Smug, irritating, pedantic little know-it-all idiots tell you that something is bad? Why? Because of clipping issues. Because of some slight irregularity in the texture mapping. Who really gives a rat's rectum? Saint's row famously has cars that vanish from the visible spectrum while you're inside it. Other than the obvious hilarity, why do you care? It's amusing and easily fixed, get out and get another car.

It doesn't break the damn game until you fall into an inescapable pit of nothing and lose the ability to figure out the reset button. Shame on you. I accept that bugs happen, I'm a programmer, I've created more than my share of them. A mountain dropping on you, or a cliff appearing is a problem that needs some help. The texture on the side of a box being squinty is not something you should care about.

You know what that means? You need to stop huffing red bull. Now shut up about clipping.

3. Bias
You're biased. You are. I know because I saw you. You did that thing. You prefer one thing above something else. But it's alright, because everybody's like that. I know, I am too. See, it feels good to share. But the thing is, I like intelligent, interesting puzzles and action-adventures with a plot and a sense of fun. You like tying bags around your head and vomiting before going on rollercoasters. And that's fine for you, but I'd prefer a biscuit and a beer.

You have your opinion and I have mine, the difference is that I'm right.

4. Sense of Humour
I'm a funny guy. People have mentioned it in the past. I know because I was hitting them with a shock stick until they said it. I find hilarity in a great many things. Swearing for example, swearing is hilarious and manly. Where I grew up, my primary school wouldn't let you move up to senior school until you knew at least 50 different ways of euphemising masturbation. There were exams and everything.

Did I have a point? I forget. But it probably was about how games reviewers don't know enough words for poopy.

5. Hate
On another end of a different spectrum, you have the hate filled monkeys who thrive on being as rude as possible about games, whether they suck or not. This is not helpful. Kicking a game to death is no use nor ornament to anybody unless you tell me why, and if you don't hold up a good game every now and then then how am I supposed to take you seriously.

And then a hate-monger tries to indicate that a game might not be the shittiest thing in the world ever (like here) his crowd-pleasing ethos and poo-flinging fanboys demand that all statements are retracted and great big dollops of hate are thrown at some seriously good games. Bringing me to…

6. Fanboys
If there's anything worse than fanboys to destroy reviews, reviewers, souls and the entire games industry then I don't know about it. A seething mass of rabid feral coyotes each with their tribal allegiances tattooed onto their foreheads. And they are the main reason why you can't trust reviews.

Fanboys buy games. Games make money. Company gets money. Company buys Publicity. Publicity gets attention. Attention demands reviews. Reviews sell games. See reason 1.

Fanboys are lunatics. They write death threats. Death threats are scary. Reviewer doesn't dare give Halo 3 less than a rating of 9, even though it's blatantly an outrageous crock of cloned empirical shit.

Fanboys write more reviews than normal people. Normal balanced people. Fanboys shout louder than normal people, and are immune to logic. How are we supposed to compete with that.

THAT's why I don't like reviews.

And I didn't use the word fuck once. Except for then.