April 09

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Wednesday 22nd April

True or False?

The CSI Roleplaying game never made it past censors for being too graphic
It is impossible to pilot a BattleTech Mech without hair
Since 1988 it's been a requirement that all US presidential candidates be able to solve the Rubik's Cube in order to be deemed qualified for office.
LEGO bricks made today are compatible with bricks made 50 years ago.
Magic Missile cannot penetrate papier-mache
One of the enemy designs for the original DOOM included a white unicorn
Goblins run from the smell of liquid mercury
The first Student Nationals were held in Newcastle in 1985
The initial script for Ghostbusters II included Satan disguised as a Unicorn inhabiting central park
Lara Croft’s bust measurement is 38D
Gaspode the wonder dog first appeared in ‘Guards! Guards!’
RuneQuest Badgers are well known for producing jam
Dame Judy Dench avidly plays Vampire : Requiem whenever she can
The most powerful ship in Battlefleet Gothic is ‘The Unicorn’
In ‘In Nomine’ red hair is a sign of being satan-touched
Being a Eunuch in the HERO system gives the biggest bonus during character creation
Fluxx is won by having collected the most cards after a 1 hour
LARP Barbie is one of the rarest, often selling for over $200 at auction
Unicorn horn cures all ailments in DungeonQuest, including virginity
In StarTrek, New York no longer exists due to a Big Comedy Bomb

Something worries me about Pokemon

Tuesday 28th April

I don't understand the world of Pokemon.

Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way first. You have a land of small children playing with dangerous animals that can be trapped in small balls.

Fair enough, nothing we haven't seen before.

Then you have the full adults around who are there to support the small children, who come into 3 types. Bumbling old professors, late-teen bully-boys and amazingly hot women, usually nurses. Each town by law has to have one each of these, and usually only one.

That's fine, nothing we haven't seen before.

But that's it. Worryingly arrestable older folk, small children, dangerous animals, balls. Nothing else.

There is no economy that isn't directly involved with these animals. No building that isn't devoted to the concepts involved in animal fighting. And no food. Let's not underplay this one. I've been playing this game now for hours and though I have seen a couple of beds there is absolutely no human food anywhere. Never mind the toilet facilities, and don't get me started on the toilet facilities.

Let me put it another way. I battle with another trainer, (i.e. anybody) and I win. Not only do I get the pride of winning and the increase in experience, but my defeated enemy then opens his wallet and hands me a hundred dollars.

A Hundred Dollars!

I might as well have just mugged him. In fact, the whole game is just a repeat of this. Because now all I have is a hundred dollars and only one shop to use it in. The shop that sells Pokemon supplies. I can't buy food, water, a bed for the night, an hour of a thai hooker's time, drugs, vehicles, medicine or food. But I can buy a new pouch and comb for my Jigglypuff.

No, that's not as exciting as it sounds.

Ok, let's try again. What happens when you take the dangerous beasties out of the equation? You have a small child, running over grass, woods, beach, mountain, forests, with no concept of ownership mugging other people and taking the proceeds to crazy old men, who train them in magic techniques so they get better at mugging people.

The only reward seems to be pride and the occasional badge.

Now either I'm on serious amounts of drugs or Fagin has captured Narnia and is using it as a bootcamp for training new urchins to do his dirty deeds.

It might look like a Japanese game, but damn, could this game have roots more English than that? Consider yourself … at home, consider yourself … a new breed of Pokemon intergalactic Mugging trainer! All hail professor Fagin!

Pika?

Phase 1 : Complete

Wednesday 29th April

Well, the news is in.

I lose my job.

This is a good thing, I'm fairly certain. I mean, what better time to be thrown to the wolves than when there's a lot of bodies down there already to break my fell and everybody from the government down is handing out aid and help for those in trouble?

There is a problem though, because of knowledge only I have they want me in on a big project here at work so won't let me go until September.

Oh well, gives me more time to plan I suppose.

First thing I'm going to do is get a laptop. A decent one. I've only ever had ones about 15 years old before now so I'm going to get myself a good one and that will be my new writing tool.

So if you know of anything that needs words, then let me know, I might even offer a beer as commission…

And I might even write a book or two.

You know, with actual words and things.

If you want to play in my game...

Thursday 30th April

You know what?

I'm gonna lay down a new set of rules.

I'm not picky about things, alright, that's a lie, I am really picky about things but for god's sake, we're trying to play a game here so sit down, pay attention and maybe we'll all enjoy the damn game. And while we're at it…

Turn off the laptop and put it away. I don't care what hilarious sites you've just found on the internet or what pictures you downloaded during lectures and I definitely don't want to watch this video you've found involving two chicks and this cup. I also don't need sound effects or background music if I'm running the game. If I did, then I'd supply it myself. Turn that shit off and get back to the game.

Stop texting your friends. I don't care. They're bored? Don't care. You're bored? Then go do something else cos all you're doing currently is annoying me. There's an emergency and they need to talk to you? Fine, go and make a phone call, we're happy waiting while you sort things out, really. Let me put it this way, for every button press I hear after the first fifty clicks, I'm going to poke you in the gums with a fork. And I'll even look for fillings to poke while I'm at it. Put your phone away and get back to the game.

Stop eating. We started an hour ago and so far I've watched you eat three bags of crisps, a packet of biscuits and a kilo of gummy sweets. Jesus Christ, I've seen more of your tonsils than I have of your eyes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not banning snacks during the game, but slow the hell down and breathe. Next time, swing by a burger place and get yourself a meal before coming over, I don't need to see you shovel food for the entire duration. And the noise is horrible. Put the wine gums down and get back to the game.

Pay attention. Really. I'm not talking about missing the clues, the small ones or the big ones, I don't mind. Not spotting the bad guy's name is Dr Alucard, or that there's maps everywhere and all over the walls, that's cool. We can laugh about that later. No, I get really frigging annoyed when you demand to play then sit there and do nothing, and worse, when it comes to your turn we have to explain everything to you AGAIN…. Why? Because you didn't listen to a blind thing said so far and have no clue as to what's going on. And take that wad of paper out of your mouth, it's disgusting.

Oh yes? And for those of you who are paying attention….

Stop shouting. I'm sat here. We're indoors. I'm about 2 feet away from you. The universe isn't actually about to end. Hey, I know the game is exciting, that's the way I planned it, but we've not got to the exciting bit yet, we're talking about what we want for lunch. You really don't need to be so loud at this point.

Please, in the name of Cecil the Aardvark, take your turn. You need to plan, fine. You need to think, fine. You need to adjust your strategy because of how things changed since your last turn, I get it. But you do this every sodding turn. I have literally made cups of tea for everybody in the time it has taken you to stare at the board and the same five cards now, and you know what? I'll probably have drunk it and made another round during your next turn. Please, I beg of you, please take your turn before I vomit on you.

Stop sulking, it is only a game. You dice have rolled badly, you had the wrong strategy, you didn't know the rules and you're getting shafted. Tough. It happens. It happens to all of us at one point or another. Suck it up, we'll play a different game next and you can have another go then, but for god's sake stop being a grumpy bastard because it's not helping the rest of us play the game.

Grow up. You know how you like to play girlie characters who're consistently rampant nymphos? That's a little creepy. No, it's more than a little creepy, it's nasty. Oh, and those items you keep picking up and referring to as sex toys? Stop that. I don't know what you need to do to sort yourself out, but you need to go do it before coming back again.

There. Can we get on with the game now?

March 09

May 09