Here to help you

Tuesday 13th October

You know what the biggest problem is in being unemployed? The bloody job centre. So far I've been off work for a week and had chance to do bugger all except visit medical professionals and the job centre.

Last week I had my first interview with them to see what's what and what I want to do with my life. They looked at my career and decided that I was fully qualified to be a programmer.

Well spotted, I've only been doing that since I was sixteen years old. What's next? A bright observation in the fact that I'm over six feet tall? Possibly a cunning insight into the fact that I have feet perchance?

No, they've decided that I would be perfect to go into programming as a career. They spent more time talking to me about that than finding out that sort of job I'd be interested in working in next. God help them though, it's not like they have much in the way of jobs to offer at the minute and hundreds more coming through the doors every week.

They did eventually accept that I could possibly do something else with my life so they eventually added 'writer' to the list. Then we did a search for jobs. You might as well do an internet search for loch ness monster sightings in Amarillo, Texas.

So they handily searched for work for a programmer in Manchester. Well, they found me four job possibilities. Three were for jobs with skills nowhere near what I am capable of doing. Trust me, trying to explain to them the differences between technical languages is not the easiest thing in the world ever. The other job they had was so vague that you didn't really know whether they were looking for a programmer or a lion tamer. But the money looked good so I might look into that, even though I don't want to be an office worker any more.

So we sorted everything out and they arranged my first return visit to see how I was doing. For 9 o'clock the following morning.

So, Mr Jon, what jobs have you applied for so far?

God help me.

Career Decisions

Wednesday 14th October

When I was in school I was asked what I want to do for a job before I decided what GCSEs to take.

This involved some thinking, since I'm by nature a very motivated lazy bugger I wanted to have something that involved sitting on my bottom for a great deal of time. I also spotted that my handwriting was crap and being a clerk of some variety sounded as exciting as licking fluff.

So obviously something involving computers. My teachers didn't think the concept of playing Chuckie Egg and Dizzy was much in the way of a career and obviously making those sort of things was ridiculous so I just went with the concept of being a programmer.

Get to sit down all day and play on computers : computer programmer.

This apparently worked.

So I took maths and technical things for my options, then went on to do my A level (Mathematics) and two AS levels, one in Electronics and one in Information Technology.

The interesting bit here is that I passed the Maths and Electronics and failed the Information Technology. God only knows how I passed the Electronics since I never have had a clue as to the conceptual difference between voltage and amps, which I'm told is quite important.

Anyway, my parents (for god only knows what reason) decided that University was for me next. Don't get me wrong, if I had kicked up a stink then I might have had a choice, but the subject didn't really come up. After grammar school and sixth form college you go to university, it's like the passing of the tides and that badgers drop dead on their fifth birthday, it just happens.

So off to Manchester Met Uni I went… had to go through clearing but I got in for two years studying Software Engineering and general computer stuff. I don't remember much of that other than playing Doom 2 in the labs. That was quite fun.

A year off trying to find a job where I discovered the joys of warehouse labour and call centre operations. That was the year that I discovered that most people in the world are absolute unforgivable morons. When you're dealing with people that cannot understand the concept of stacking boxes after being shown literally ten times and can't tell the difference between letters of the alphabet it jades you a little as to the future of humanity.

Eventually I did get a job. But that's a story for a different time.

It's progress of a sort.

Wednesday 21st October

You'd think it would be remarkably easy to drop into an endless loop of doing absolutely nothing if you don't have a job.

You'd be right, up to a point.

See, I am actually a remarkably lazy person. No, really. Given the opportunity, I'd be in my pool for the morning, playing video games all afternoon and then bumming around with friends in the evening, possibly in my home cinema or at a nice restaurant or even both.

Thing is, there are a couple of problems with that in that I don't have my own swimming pool, or a home cinema, or a mansion far away from all the people that I hate, which is to say pretty much everyone.

No, that's a lie. I'm not that lazy, but I'm never really focussed on the things that I should be doing. Within a couple of days of being at home I got out a whiteboard and made a huge to-do list and covered almost everything on it except for the biggest thing at the top.

See, I've done everything imaginable in the past three weeks except for writing. These words that you're reading now is only the third bit of creative writing I've done in the past three weeks, the other two bits are what I posted on VagueNet last week. I'm not even writing enough to keep up with a regular updating schedule for my own website.

I feel like I've failed already.

That's not to say that I've been doing nothing. I've travelled more in the past couple of weeks than I have for a long time.

I've been to the south coast to celebrate, if such a thing can be called such, the anniversary of the invasion by the French in 1066. Though why William the Bastard had to invade in mid October I'll never forgive him for.

I've travelled to Nottingham to see the grand opening of the very first and very unique VAGUE shop. I'm not kidding, VAGUE now has a shop. More on that when I get the photos developed. While I was there I said hello to David Prowse who was just a few doors up the road at the time.

I've travelled to deepest Manchester to attend and help out at Manchester's annual games convention, GameCon, this year named Game09. No prizes for guessing what next year's convention will be called. Oh hang on, I had to invent a game off the top of my head for that one, I suppose that's slightly creative.

I've even arranged a trip to London next week to interview a guy about video games he made back in the day… I'll let you know how it goes.

I've discovered more cooking skills I didn't realise I had, including how not to hard boil eggs. Eggs are bloody tricky things I'll have you know.

I've started reorganising my house and discovered I've got a hell of a lot more board games and card games and jigsaws than I thought I had. I didn't even know I had a copy of Cluedo, who's up for a game?

I have however spoken to two newspapers and a magazine to see if they're up to publishing my words, I won't mention their names here, but the magazine has said yes (and is sending me a freelance contract), and both papers have told me they're not after words at the minute. One of them nicely, the other not so. Oh well.

I've sent some old work to a film company I know and we may be turning 'The case of the curious crumbs' into a short film at some point.

I've joined the library, though the gym and swimming pool will have to wait until my surgery scar doesn't need dressing anymore.

But most of my time has been taken up with dealing with the job centre and medical appointments. Both of which are a joy in frustration, embarrassment and pain. Oh and paperwork. Let's never forget the paperwork.

What I've not done so far is any work on a book. Not one scrap or page or paragraph or sentence. Not one bloody word. I should be trying to average around 2000 words a day but one would be progress right now.

At this rate I'll end up on another bloody adventure or looking back into that pie.

Though I hope it's not the pie.

We can rebuild him, we have the technology

Thursday 22nd October

I've upgraded.

It's larger by a factor of a half as much again and it's impressive. When I first got it home I propped it up in the corner and my darling and I gasped at how hypnotically huge it is.

Plus, it's black now.

We have spent hours playing with it, watching it, just attaching wires is an adventure in and of itself.

Oh yes, and I've got a new telly as well.

Maybe now I'll be able to read the text at the bottom of the screen when I'm playing Dead Rising.

But I doubt it.