Not suitable for those of a delicate stomach

Wednesday 02nd December

If you're ever curious about what you might or might not have eaten in the past few days, I have a great solution for you.

Throw up into the bath.

I'm not talking dry heaves or anything wet like that, no small amounts of hangover sickness, no, I'm talking about full on, feeling everything hit the back of your teeth as it comes out in a dozen or more heaves.

Then as the fluid drains away you're left with just the solid detritus ready for study.

I could easily spot pieces of Sunday lunch there. And bits of Monday. And even some stuff that cannot be identified and probably wasn't food. There may even have been pieces of lung and spleen there.

Cleaning up afterwards was not fun.

And if you're curious about why I was sick into the bath suffice to say I was also using the toilet at the same time.

Yes, again I have given myself food poisoning.

The fun part is that I've cooked myself virtually nothing in the past 5 days and so it's someone else's fault this time. You'll know who if you keep watching the obituaries pages.

I've been awake since three o'clock this morning variously listening to my digestive system rumble, burble and squidge and visiting the toilet to relieve the pressure. It's amazing how much pressure can build up inside the average body with very little preparation.

If we're talking in terms of pounds per square inch, I could probably go toe to toe with a monster truck tyre.

I will admit to one thing, though.

There is a feeling of intense joy when you can sit on the toilet and achieve nothing but a fart.