Ghost Riding The Whip

Monday 4th January

There is a cure for stupidity, and I have found it.

Once upon a time a wise man once said "Let's just rip the warning labels off everything and let the universe sort itself out" and I think there's a lot of sense in that.

See there are dangers that you should be told about like the electrified third rail on the electric train lines, and then there are dangers that you should just know like standing on the train tracks at all while a five billion tonne train is barrelling down on you at over a hundred miles an hour.

But this just still isn't enough. Forget the woman that scalded herself on hot coffee in McDonalds and then sued McDonalds for selling her HOT coffee without telling her it might be hot (Stella Liebeck in case you're wondering). No, there are those people out there who need to challenge themselves into suicide by stupidity.

I used to love watching Jackass on MTV. Mostly. Dave England was never funny. But the suicidal stunts they used to do did keep me amused for hours for some very good reasons.

Firstly, it's amusing to watch idiots hurt themselves. Simple as that. Watching a person you wouldn't want to see have children getting whacked in the balls by a golfball at nearly the speed of sound is like watching Darwin in action.

Secondly, they're doing it far away from other people, most notably me. So long as they're only doing it to themselves then who really gives a rat's lovespud? Even better, they're doing it on the other side of the TV screen and don't even know who I am or that I exist. Much less danger to me.

I know that they say they are all trained professionals with paramedics and safety people just off screen, but we all know that's bull and frankly we don't care. Frankly if one of them were to die in a hideous and brutal way during the show it would be tragic, but it would also serve as an important lesson to the world, 'Being an idiot can kill you'.

It certainly can in the vicinity of me.

But I'm getting off track. See, I like to keep on top of trends. Not regular people trends, that would be far too easy and dull. I still have no real idea of who or what Jedwood is or was.

I keep on top of internet trends.

Not so far as to be a member of 4chan or anything silly like that, I like not being compared to a Judaic Homosexual Lizard Cigarette every twenty seconds, but I like to know what's going on and what people mean when they refer to different things that I've never heard of.

I followed LiveJournal and MyFace and SpaceBook for a while, I saw the hamsters dance, I can tell my Roflcopter from my Failboat, I know of the 'Two Goatse's one TubGirl' video and I've even watched Kermit the Frog's reaction to it. I've read the True Stella Awards (see above), The Darwin Awards and can even quote Godwin's Law, but there's a special place in my heart for the internet sensation of trying to commit suicide by stupidity.

I am (of course) talking on this occasion of Ghost Riding the Whip.

To fill you in fully you need to know a tiny bit of mechanical knowledge. In England we mainly drive manual clutch cars which have three pedals, in the USA they drive automatics which only have two, a bit like go-karts that imbeciles are allowed to drive. One of the biggest differences in this is that there is always a bit of motive power in the engine while in gear, which the non-existant clutch does not control what with it not being there.

Simply put, once the car is put into gear, the car will move forwards whether or not you are pressing the accelerator. In fact, the car will move forwards whether or not you're even sitting in the driver's seat. In fact, the car will move forwards if you were to start the engine, put it into gear, climb out of the window and up onto the roof in a semi teen-wolf surfing manoeuvre.

This is technically what is known as Ghost Riding the Whip.

Standing on top of a moving vehicle while nobody is controlling it.

I want to make this the national sport of every country in the world. I want to power up the base revs of the engines to increase the speed at which the controller-less cars can achieve. I want everybody to go out and give this a go right now and encourage others to do so, across the world.

That should sort out our overpopulation problem and the stupidity one at the same time.