Me Am Manly Man

Monday 18th January

Something is very very wrong.

I feel good.

Na-nana-nana-nane.

You knew that I would, now.

I'm serious, I've not felt this good in ages and the really weird thing is that I should be feeling absolutely rotten right now. I should be laid up on the bed hoping for some strings hanging from the ceiling to raise my legs up.

My lungs should be burning and my limbs aching, back spasms and a pronounced limp.

I went to the gym today.

Again, I'm absolutely serious, I'll give you a minute to pick yourself up off the floor.

Ready?

Well, the point was that I've been sitting on my bottom for the better part of the time since I was made redundant, occasionally staring at my monitor hoping for inspiration to strike before I can even write a word, and though I've not gained weight it's more to do with a lack of eating than anything physical I've been upto.

If you know me then you'll probably know that I love to swim. I can't help it. Since I learned to swim as a wee child I've taken every opportunity that I can to be in the water, god help the holiday resort I go to that doesn't have a pool.

I went to Cyprus last year, or was it the year before? Anyway, on the first day I literally swam in three pools and the sea, just on the first day.

So when I decided to do something to get me out of the house, I looked for a local pool. There are some around and each and every single one of them is filled to capacity with either school lessons, pregnant water-yoga classes or octogenarian water-polo. It's ridiculous, you just can't find a time to get in and have a swim.

Until someone told me there was a place just a couple of miles up the road. Which actually turned out to be a gym with a pool attached.

Having nothing better to do with my day I had a tour, and discovered that the entirety of the budget of the startrek research project was spent entirely on torture devices with smooth edges. They also have a sauna, a steam room and a hot tub as well as the pool.

I took some doing, but I convinced them after many hours of negotiations to let me try it for a month. Well, a month and a half to be brutally honest. Yes, I am that good.

Then I spent a day looking for exercise gear. After 3 hours I found one pair of old track pants and one trainer. Not one pair, just one trainer. Let's not forget I've not worn trainers in over 10 years. Clumpy boots or nothing for me.

Did you know Tesco sell trainers for a fiver? How awesome is that? They might be crap, but you can't argue the price, and if it all goes horribly wrong it's not like I've spent a ton on it. Though they don't sell track pants. Apparently there's a rush on, every bloke in the north has suddenly decided to go for the sweat-pants look. Mmmmmm, lovely.

I did have a point when I started this post.

Oh yes, at the gym.

I went today for the first time in my life.

Right away I knew I was in over my head. I'm standing on the treadmill looking at this dashboard with flashing lights and words that I don't recognise and a million buttons, not one of which was marked with the word 'ON'.

Some imbecile came forward and started it going, waved at the buttons describing what they did and then ran away. So, there I am walking at a slow 2.2kph. Well this isn't good enough, so instantly I started pushing buttons. I would say that there was a plan in my button pushing but that would just be a blatant lie. I just wanted to see what they would do. Apparently what most of them did was set the speed to warp factor four on a forty five degree uphill angle.

The second lesson I learned today was that if you're going to push buttons randomly it's best not to chain yourself to the machine to test your heart rate. In case you were there earlier today, you'll remember me as the idiot screaming with legs blurring and occasionally being dragged on the floor with rubber matting scraping my body at 150kph. That was fun.

Anyway, they have bouncing machines, cycling machines, stepping machines, machines that simulate the dance moves of MC Hammer on the moon. I tried them all. I even had a go at the weight machines to improve my upper body strength. I discovered that I have the upper body strength of a small athsmatic gnat. You would be embarrassed at the amount I bench pressed. I was.

So realising that hanging my head in shame would have attracted attention, I strode in a manly fashion in the direction of the pool.

Which was wonderful.

Warm water is a wonderful thing to dip into. I lost myself in the water for a good half hour before sampling the treats available in this section.

The hot-tub was hot and bubbly and relaxing, the power hose was wonderful to massage the back of the shoulders and the sauna was ridiculously hot and sweaty.

Then I walked into the steam room, which was a mistake. It was like walking into a Stephen King short story, it was too hot, cloying and tasted of chemicals. I was blinded within seconds of walking in and it took me about ten minutes to find the door again. I'm not sure how the other punters accepted my crawling out on my belly and begging for water.

But getting home again afterwards I did realise that I felt good. I'd jogged and cycled and strode and bounced over ten kilometres and spent come fun times in the water and at the end of it my body wasn't screaming in agony. Maybe that means I wasn't trying hard enough, but who cares, I had fun.

I'll be going back soon enough, I just really hope I never again see an eighty year old man in a thong.