Big Bad Jon : Nutritionist

Tuesday 16th February

So I've been looking to get more qualified.

Not by using education or anything silly like that, I mean really, who has the time? No, I'm more interested in having letters after my name without actually having to do any of the work involved.

I think I can still count my B.S.C. and S.S.C. from when I was at school. Bronze and silver swimming certificates for those of you that don't know. As far as I know, I'm still Pope within the Discordian religious sect even though I've not been a practising Discordian for many years. Let's not forget that I am the Evil Overlord of VAGUE too.

Now I can't call myself a Doctor or a Professor or such until someone awards me a doctorate for something, but I'm expecting them to call any day now. What's more important is that those are restricted titles, you've got to do something to get to be called that.

Nutritionist is not a restricted title.

Anyone can call themselves up as a nutritionist and call themselves such. You don't need a doctorate or even the ability to write. Alright, so some credentials behind you might be useful, but you don't need them.

So I am now a registered Nutritionist. I took my name in the register this morning at roll call and decided that out of the entire class of one, only I deserved today's new title. I shall go out and about and declare my status and advise people on health issues and eating habits.

I have so far concluded a few significant trials. I have used a wide range of test subjects (to the number of one, me) and can conclude a great many things.

1. Breakfast makes you healthy. In this trial I took a run down, tired and groggy test subject and fed it a balanced nutritious breakfast of tea, toast, cereal and orange juice and the test subject perked up amazingly well for a few hours afterwards.
2. Tomatoes cause vomiting. In our test subject raw tomatoes caused rampant vomiting. This effect was not replicated with soup, pizza, ketchup or chilli.
3. Cigarettes are not healthy. The full trial has been running for many years but has discovered no health benefits and many side effects. All (1) subjects have admitted to feeling more manly while smoking though.

See? I can do this job. And I've already done three trials. And I've published them right there. So I can claim to have done numerous published trials, I can even take questions about my trials in case anyone wants to do follow up trials on them.

I won't be running any trials on poo though.

That's just nasty.