Reasons to be Miserable. tl:dr

Monday 17th May

Every day, I find myself staring at the screen to see what I can write today, and more often than not after distracting myself with facebook and the cheeseburger network and sporcle I discover that I've still got a page that's as blank at the end of the day as it was at the start.

And it's not like I'm not trying, I've just lost all passion, and now looking at my finances I've burned away through most of what I started with and have nothing appreciable to show for it.

My problem being that although there's plenty to do, it's all for me. In 'The slipper and the rose' (I'm not surprised if you've not heard of it, though it is a good film) the fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's working for someone else then everything's fine, but wishing for herself never works. And I find myself in that situation. I want to progress with this but it's all for me and the motivating factor, other than going insane of lonliness is only money. I have no deadline because I have no publisher, no partners and no muse. It's all me, and that's enough to kill anyone. Ask anybody that's been in a room with me for more than a couple of hours at a time.

Sure, I've got a contract with RG magazine, but that only works if they have something they want me to write, which they currently dont. In fact, go out and buy issue 76, it's on the shelf right now. Page 34 has a lovely amusing piece about the Zombie Pirate LeChuck from Monkey Island 2 that I wrote, but you wouldn't know it because I'm not credited. Not on that page, not on the inside front cover and not even on the inner back cover where they list all contributors. They just plain forgot me.

Plus I'm writing for A8 dot com. Which is fine if it wasn't for the fact that last week they shut off all payments to writers because of a lack of sponsorship. And now, those of us that said we would stick by them are under even greater pressure to produce more articles because of other people dropping out. Did I mention this is for free?

I can't sell the VAGUE bible since there isn't the market for it and the QUAD book, including Starship Thingy and Bullet Dodgers looks like a no-go either since it would take forever to get going at this rate and who's going to buy that.

Leaving me with a novel or two to write. A novel, I should say, that has barely had a page added to it since September, possibly before that. Even though I spent a fair chunk of last weekend with a whiteboard working on plot, I haven't actually put much in the way of pen to paper all last week since I couldn't actually get the right words to stick since my brain has stopped trying to be creative.

So, cheery as it sounds, this leaves me broke, jobless, miserable, lonely and without clear drive or motivation or ability. I have no idea what I'm doing and no idea of how to achieve anything.

And this is a good day.