If you go into the cold today, be sure of a big surprise

Friday 21st May

I have a polar bear in my freezer.

I didn't put him there, he just turned up one day, and every time I open the door he critiques my choice of frozen food. He'll always chide me for buying the cheap option and keep pushing at me to buy the branded stuff. It's not like the fish care who murders them, skins them, dices them and pops a tasty breadcrumb coating on the resulting mush is it?

I'll be honest, it's a little bit worrying. I would have thought that a polar bear, no matter how small might have better things to do than lurk about in my freezer. And it can't be good for him in there. There's no lights unless I leave the door open, all of the food is frozen and I can't imagine it being very well ventilated.

Poor feller, I've tried to get him to come out, but he keeps wanting to talk about either fish fingers or his feelings, neither of which I feel suitably qualified to handle.

I've even tried luring him out with a fresh fish, but that didn't work. He started asking me where it was from and whether it was farmed or not. Would you have guessed that polar bears had a healthy obsession with fish ecology? Well I suppose it makes sense.

Next I'll have to try teasing it out with a giant glass mint for it to stand on.