Countdown is over, I'm offski

Friday 4th June

In 12 hours time I'll be gone.

I'll be traversing on my epic adventure into the land of the wilds and the bears and the trees and the flat pack furniture. Though I won't be hitting Finland, no matter what the Pythons tell me, it's just that little bit too far.

Now in theory I should have been talking to you a little more over the past couple of weeks. I still could, but I think by the time I get back it won't be current news anymore so I'll give you a brief précis of events that you missed in the wild and woolly adventure that is my life.

See, I won't be telling you about the magnificent boat ride I took the other week, where we sailed for hours and hours and hours and hours. I think we managed about six to ten miles all told. It wasn't the fastest boat around. It was quite narrow though. We played bingo as we chugged along the canals, and I think I won because I spotted the most varied collection of dead animals floating along. And a Frisbee. There was a strange moment of introspection as I found myself sailing a narrow boat on water over a viaduct over air over the Manchester Ship canal. That was strange.

I've been to see the Losers as well, it's quite fun but the epic climax wasn't as epic and fun as earlier action scenes. Even the one with Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing' playing over the top. Though the bit where The Comedian, The Human Torch and Stringer Bell all get into it in a big way is quite fun. I just found out Stringer Bell is playing Heimdall in the new Thor movie. That should be fun.

Oh yes, I was on Coronation Street again last week. I was in prison, first of all taking communion right next to Tony Gordon and then later in the canteen as the riot started. You get a really good look of me with my tongue out to a preist and then an even better shot of the ever expanding bald patch on the back of my head. We had a chat on set to see who knew what they were put away for, though for me it was an easy answer. Dealing dope. See, I've been around Weatherfield for quite a while, since I was 16 to be honest (17 years ago) but in 2003 [the episode on the 8th of September 2003 to be precise] I was one of the mob growing dope on Jack and Vera's allotment. I'd been seen on the street a few times since then, but now I'm in jail so they obviously caught me for peddling. Shame on me.

HUGS came over on Tuesday to game with VAGUE. That would have been better if more of HUGS had shown up, but we had a bloody good laugh all the same.

Before I forget, I actually applied for a proper job this morning. It just plopped itself into my lap and so I took a hook on it and you never know, when I get back I might actually take a wage from someone again. I'm serious, and fate just threw it at me out of the blue. It's for a party planner and team leader heading up a team of 5 people organising kids parties. It's absolutely perfect for me, so fingers crossed.

Anyway, that's stuff I could have told you about but haven't, and now it's too late. That's three apostrophies in one sentence. Must cut down on them. But anyway I'm off on another epic adventure and I'll try and tell you about it when I get back, but maybe I'll just give you the highlights, or maybe I'll write a book. You never know.

I did promise to give you some links to stuff to entertain you while I'm gone, but instead I'll just drop some names for you to find yourself and you can decide for yourself if you like them. So first of all google is your friend, and anything that I can find, so can you. But you really should check out 'robot wants kitty' and 'senor gif' and 'kitteh roulette' and 'escaping the prison' and 'zero punctuation' and 'xkcd' and 'nanaka crash' and once you're done with them then you'll have to find your own fun.

I'm done.

Cos I'm going to Norway.

Epic Manliness, With a Minimum of Crying

Thursday 24th June

Hello

So I'm back. I know you've been missing me.

Thing is, I'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. I'm not sleeping too well at the minute, probably because it's too bloody hot at night and I don't have any sort of air conditioning, meaning that I fall asleep at odd hours of the day, like while watching tv, eating lunch or driving through Manchester at dawn.

I've got many epic tales of the adventure I took through two and a half thousand miles of Scandinavia, but I won't be sharing them all with you right now since I'm still transcribing the notebook I filled before I forget half of what the notes mean.

Oh yes, and writing isn't the easiest thing in the world since I busted my hand up, and thereby hangs a wee tale. It involves a manly adventure, or misadventure I suppose, involving a small hill, some rocks, a plank and possibly a tent peg.

Alright, I admit it, I fell over. I fell over and all of my bodyweight went through my left hand. When I sat up a little bit I looked at my hand. Look at yours now, I dare you. Middle finger. First knuckle.

Now picture your finger at that point bent backwards by ninety degrees.

Yes, I can feel you wincing from here. My finger looked like an S shape. I didn't so much scream as moo like a stabbed cow. Which was fun for everybody around since they thought it was just another one of BBJ's comedy moments. You know, like I do to entertain people by making them think I've been brutally injured or dead.

Hang on a minute, I have done that before.

Shit.

Anyway, the first aider we had with us at the time, not forgetting this is on the island in the fjord I've told you about before which is miles away from anything and anyone, came over and told me (while I was busy moo-ing) that I had to put it back into place otherwise she would have to and she really didn't want to.

I grew some balls, grabbed the backwards finger in my right hand and wrenched it back into place. I'm quite proud of myself for that. Even though that's when the pain really started to kick in. I'm fairly certain I didn't black out at that point, or even vomit.

I'm all manly like that.

It does mean that my left hand is still a touch buggered a week and a half later. So be kind to me, you know. And since it's impossible for me to manipulate things like my wallet, then I suppose you'd better be the one buying the drinks until it heals.

That's fair, isn't it?