VagueNet

A week or so ago, the Xbox One was announced, and I was there.

 

Well, I was technically here, sat on my sofa, but I watched it all, the entire announcement because I was wondering about being ahead of the game and getting the console the minute it came out just so that I could be that guy that people were jealous of, where people would come round to my house just to see how it works and the graphics and the games and so on.

 

So with an interested eye on the future I was there, I watched the announcement.

 

You know what I first noticed?

 

Laptops.

 

Laptops everywhere.

 

I was looking at the audience as the lights went down, and each and every seat opened a laptop so that they could Blog about what they were seeing as they were seeing it. Or maybe they were playing angry birds, or even IRChatting with each other, mocking the dress sense and ages of the people on stage. I don’t know.

 

I don’t know why that made me angry, but it did. It wasn’t as if I was doing the talking and I suppose those people were invited so that they could inform their impressive readerships about it. Either way, if I’m trying to show somebody something I would like it if they looked, rather than spent their time trying to remember what the last guy said so they could be witty about it. Just record it now and talk about it later.

 

Enough about the audience, lets talk about what we saw on stage shall we?

 

Hang on, lets take a little tangent for a second and talk about the PS4 teaser we saw at the same time shall we? If you’ve not seen it then I shall highlight the advert for you. It lasted 30 seconds, and was deliberately blurry so as not to burn you out right away. Through the blur you did get tiny brief glimpses of clarity on tiny focal points of the console.

 

So what did we see?

 

The PS4 …

-          is black

-          has a PS logo.

-          has what looks like a disc slot

-          had vents

 

that’s it.

 

Damn, I’m glad I watched that video.

 

So back to the XboxOn. Where the first thing you see is the actual console, the controller and the Kinect that goes with it. Yup, the Kinect comes with it and is mandatory, but we’ll get back to that detail.

 

The XboxWon is a big black squared off box, all in black with a logo, a disc slot and a power indicator, no sights of the connections on the back, and there’s no connection points on the front. So it’s a monolith essentially.

 

The new controller looks almost identical to the one for the 360, though the battery is integral now, so if you run out of power during a game then you’re stuffed. You might be able to put a cable into it, but you might have to put it onto a magnetic charging dock, there was no mention of how charging works on the XboxDon but you sure can’t just swap out one battery pack for another. That sucks for me.

 

And then you have the Kinect, which is a black block with an eye that sits on the top of your flatscreen TV. It has no foot, it has a hook-like design deliberately to sit on your flat-screen TV. Do you have a flat screen TV? You better have, and it better be a big one.

 

Go on then, while we’re on the subject lets just talk about the kinect for a minute. With the new Xbox, it’s always on, and it’s always watching and listening.

 

ALWAYS.

 

It’s listening for magic commands at all times, like “Xbox ON!” and tada, the thing comes to life. Can you picture yourself at anypoint lonely and bored in your living room wondering (possibly out loud) “Where’s the Sexbox gone?”

 

Probably not.

 

But on the day you do, you’re then standing in your living room, wearing nothing but a rubber bra, holding a bottle of lube and with your video game console watching everything you do.

 

Did I mention that it can detect your heart rate with it’s sophisticated technology? Oh yes it can.

 

Let’s just skip on to one new and exciting feature that comes with your machine, ready and waiting for you to call it into action.

 

Skype.

 

Does that sound fun to you? Does it sound like an amazing innovation so that you can video chat to your friends while watching the big game?

 

Hypothetical number 2.

 

You’re upto something naughty in front of your TV. Lets say you don’t even mind that the Xbox is on, maybe even playing a video disc that you put into it. You might even have some company there while you’re enjoying yourself. Now call out the wrong name. All of a sudden you get to see the friend you’ve been thinking about for a while know exactly how you’re thinking about them as they watch you from your own TV.

 

Happy Birthday!

 

OK, now you’re not a pervert, and you never do anything at all, most especially not in front of the TV, because who needs visual stimulus for such things? So lets move on to the proper features of the XboxPeon.

 

TV.

 

The thing has a billion channels and it will know which channel or even programme you want to watch, just by telling it so. “XBOX Breaking Bad” should bring up the latest Breaking Bad, providing it’s on right now. “XBOX BBC ONE” should bring up the latest Breaking Bad. “XBOX Dave” should confuse it right away. I have no answer for that.

 

The excellent thing is that it can do any of these things instantly. Why would you want a remote control when you can do the job badly and randomly by shouting across the room at something that works perfectly at a tech demo… and then might work at home? In fact, why the hell are you watching TV through your Xbox? Do you really need to add another peripheral in between your SKY box and your TV?

 

That’s right, you don’t get these channels because your XboxCon doesn’t come with TV, it’s just another way of watching the channels you’ve already got. And how do we mean by a new way?

 

Well, you can get half your screen disappear when someone skype’s you. Or when you want to call up a browser window. Or a TV guide, that’s totally new, isn’t it? I’ve never seen a TV guide on the screen before. Or how about someone on screen says something that my Kinect doesn’t like. How’s about someone on the Tv saying “XBOX Off”?

 

People watching the announcement through their Xbox360 while their Kinect was on had endless troubles while the demonstration was happening since the commands the guy was shouting kept taking over their Xboxes. I kid you not.

 

Bollocks. I have a TV. I don’t need an Xbox to be a TV on my TV that I already have.

 

Next.

 

Online.

 

It always has to be signed on for you to play on it, even single player, and though that’s a pissy detail from a whiny kid, all of my consoles have been online since I got them.

 

Next

 

Old games

 

Backwards compatibility? None. I’m no longer that bothered by this, since I’m not going to get rid of my 360 any time soon.

 

But one thing is strange… The Arcade games you’ve bought? Gone. No transferring any of those things. You’ll have to buy all new stuff. Pah.

 

So the big stuff

 

THE GAMES

 

What fracking games?

 

EA Sports showed some very impressively realistic footage that would never make it into the actual gameplay. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I hate EA sports games and have no intention of ever buying anything they ever produce, but I’m in the minority. They sell a whole load of them every single year with very little difference between one year and the next and they are notoriously bad for dealing with customers and famous for putting out bullshots for upcoming games.

 

I forgot where I was.

 

Oh yes. The EA sports ‘demo’ was footage of things that I’m not going to buy showing details unlikely to show up in the games to people who they despise anyway.

 

So that’s that.

 

Next

 

Call of Duty.

Well, again, no game play. But lots of side by side footage of facial models from previous game as opposed to the new one. And a jungle shot. And a dog.

 

Big. Fricking. Whoop.

 

That’s it.

 

That’s all they show us, in the premise that this reveal is to show us the hardware and what it can do, and Games will be shown at E3.

 

While we’re on the subject of games, let’s get one thing clear.

 

Used Games.

 

You can buy a game. While you own that game (which must be installed onto your machine to play it), everyone can play it on that console. You can even take it to a friend’s house and play it there, providing you log on as yourself while there. What you can’t do is lend the disc to them, they would have to buy it themselves when they installed it online.

 

You can, for one time only, transfer all rights to a game to one of your friends. (You have to have been friends for over 30 days on Xbox). That would mean that you no longer can play the game, because it’s not yours anymore. However, once it had been transferred then it can’t be transferred again, it would have to be sold on.

 

So, in conclusion.

 

I’m not that bothered by the thing. There’s no game that I’ve seen that I would want to play, and probably won’t be for a good long while after it comes out.

 

I’m a little creeped out by the Kinect being always on and always listening, so the first additional purchase I would get would be a hood for it. I don’t need the Kinect looking at me, and so I won’t have it. It can be connected, but it doesn’t have to see.

 

And I already have a TV.

 

So thank you Microsoft. Thank you for providing me with another opportunity to not buy something of yours.

 

Well Done.

I love gifts, both the recieving and the giving of games.

[Incidentally, I want to find an excuse to get someone to buy me these prints of the Justice League or The Avengers but I’ve yet to find the right angle..]

But it is a great excuse into the how and why and where to buy gifts.

So recently I had cause to buy a birthday present for someone I knew moderately well, who I had never met, on a different continent.

So the first thing I go for is the bacon flavour coffee. It was an obvious call and quite frankly, it’s delicious coffee. I have some myself. Now my taste buds are obviously shot, but I cannot taste the bacon in the coffee, but I can pick up the taste of the really good coffee. The unexpected part of it is while it’s brewing in the coffee maker, the smell of coffee mixed with maple syrup drifts throughout the house… and it is glorious.

If you get the chance to have some, have some. It is glorious.

Did I already say that?

Anyway, I ordered some bacon coffee for her.

* BUT FOR ANOTHER x.xx YOU CAN GET FREE SHIPPING *

Hmm. Choice.

I can spend money on postage, oooooooooooooooooor I can buy something else for a couple of quid extra and get it all sent for free.

I’m not the only one thinking that’s the obvious choice, right?

So, what do you get for someone you don’t know very well?

Facts I know about this person that I’m willing to share with you lot of unwashed masses.

1. She’s female.
2. She’s not a child, nor is she old.
3. She reads books.

Yup, that’s about as much personal information I’m going to share with you.

Hobbies. Well, I know she’s into some stuff, but I’ve never been to her house, so I wouldn’t know what she has or does not have. And the more specific I know her tastes, the more likely it is that what I’m shopping for, she already has.

For example.

Books. I love books too. Don’t we all?

Don’t answer that.

Any answer than a firm yes will just damage our relationship at this point.

So what books can I get her? Some classics? a craft book or two? A colouring book? How about I buy her one of my favourite books and we can share our tastes? It’s a great idea until you find out that they hate it and have a real problem with telling you that they think your taste stinks.

Gah.

Clothes.

Never buy a woman clothes unless you are absolutely, completely and beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that what you are buying is the perfect gift.

You want to know why? There’s a billion pitfalls, and here’s a few and how they translate.

1. Too Big. Oh, I thought you were fatter than that.
2. Too Small. So, you are fat then.
3. Wrong Colour. I thought every girl liked pink.
4. Wrong Colour. So you got me black because you think I’m permanently miserable?
5. Wrong Colour. So you want me to dress up like a clown, is that it?
6. Wrong Style. So it’s supposed to be thin enough for you to count my nipples and my ribs through it?
7. Wrong Style. Well, who wouldn’t want to wrap up like an Eskimo at all times?
8. Incomplete. You know this is supposed to have a matching skirt with it?
9. Wrong Material. You weren’t to know this brings me out in a rash, were you?
10. Wrong Era. And the granny look is a good look to you is it?

Yeah, I rarely by anything clothing for women. Men are a different matter, just get them a baggy t-shirt with ‘THINKING : PLEASE HOLD’ written on it.

Clothing. No.

Food.

Tricky. You’d think chocolates would be an easy target? The only problem being that what if she doesn’t like chocolate. Not everybody does, and the minute you ask you’re revealing your thinking in what should be a surprise, and putting them into the position of deciding whether or not to lie to you to spare your feelings.

Truffles, wine, cheeses all fall under the same category of being possible to hate and potentially too personal a gift. They might be a little too romantic for a buddy gift.

Novelties and toys.

You know what amuses me? I have no idea, until I see it. Last year I got three books of amusing signs found around the world, some faked, some mis-translated, some just ironical. One of them had me laughing for weeks afterwards, two left me cold. I can’t quantify it.

So you’re buying something that might well end up in the bin seconds after opening.

Cuddly Monkey.

Damn. I wish I’d have thought about it at the time.

So I returned to something I had seen hours before in my quest, something that nobody in their right mind would ever buy for themselves, and would be excessively unlikely to buy for anyone else either.

It was one of those things that I would guarantee she had never had purchased for her, and impractical as it was, it only had a certain shelf life and so it wasn’t going to be taking up space for year after year.

I felt no kinship to it other than hoping that it amused her a fraction of how it amused me. She could keep it, consume it, gift it or do whatever she wanted from it. In essence it was a perfect gift for someone I didn’t know very well, it wasn’t too expensive, it amused me and I had no lasting connection to it.

I gave her a one kilo cherry gummi bear on a stick.

Beat that.

However, if you want to go shopping for something a little more lasting, and a little more creative than an amazon gift voucher (tax-dodging gits that they are), then have you had a look recently at Etsy or Shapeways or Cybercandy or even thediceshoponline.com

Check them out.

My birthday is the 10^th of July, for future reference.

You know how I got to be good at games? I practise. I’ve been playing them for over thirty years and those that I like, I play some more of.

Even at games I totally suck at, I at least try and get better at them, until such a time as I realise that my brain just doesn’t work in that way and I’m better off playing something else.

I’ve given up on loads of games in my time.

Survival horror. Don’t understand it, don’t play it, and always getting my brains eaten by the first monster that I find, no matter how many bullets I’m sure I put through it’s brain.

Flying simulators. I would have thought I’d be alright at these, but no, I can’t seem to get the enemy in my crosshairs half as often as they can shoot at me.

Tower Defence Games. I’m awful at them. Even when I think I have a nice spread of guns, lazers, mines, spikes, flamethrowers and acid baths, there will always be one or two little grunts that weedle their way through everything and lay massive amounts of horrible burny death at my feet. Boom, I’m dead.

Sports Simulators. Especially football games. I have in my life owned a few of these in my time, and I’ve been in pubs where they have them set up on a big screen and have been chivvied into playing them by so called friends who are much much better at them than I am. You know how I play? I hack at the attack button until I have the ball, then I engineer a way to be near the net and hit the ‘goal’ button. Do you know how often that works? Never. It has never worked in the history of my playing football games.

I’ll play these things, probably under duress, and I’ll have my arse handed to me time after time after time after time. Oh, you know what else I’m crap at?

FPS arena fights. Unreal Tournament, Team Fortress 2, frakking Doom 2… I am awful. I only just get a gun before my brains are liberally sprayed over the concrete in front of me. I never know who shot me. Never. The only clue I have is the scorecard that pops up. If it wasn’t for that my screen would be an endless cycle of wall, brains, different wall, same brains, etc.

So yes, I’ll play these things. My friends enjoy them, so I play them. I have even been online and played them in an effort to get better at them by playing against real people.

I’m still rubbish.

Monumentally rubbish.

You know what I don’t do?

Quit.

I’m not talking about the “I’ll never give up until I’m good at this shit” style of quitting, that’s fine for some people, just not for me.

I’m talking RageQuit.

If I’m having my pretty little botty handed to me in a tournament, you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll be there until the very end, just to see my name on the scoreboard.

At the very very bottom of the scoreboard, but there all the same.

It’s common courtesy if nothing else.

It can be difficult finding opponents in games that aren’t really popular.

I imagine if you were to load up any call of duty game, or battlefield, or halo and go online you’ll find people to play against anytime of day or night around the world.

Settlers of Catan? Warhammer 40k? Left for Dead? Scene it?

Not so much.

Oh yes, you’ll have glorious times when there are a wealth of people there that you’ve probably uncovered a tiny Hungarian sect that like to play 6-9am Thursdays, but usually you’ve got a lot of waiting to do in the lobby if you want to play someone.

And if I do find people to play what I want to play, and they’re much much better than me, maybe I can learn something about what I’m doing wrong.

Apparently I’m one of very few this rule applies to though.

Shall I tell you where I was last night?

I was on PotterMore, which has recently been added to Home on PS3.

If none of that makes sense to you, don’t worry about it, just accept the fact that I was digitally inhabiting the world of Harry Potter, and being slightly disappointed by it.

But while riding on the Hogwarts express, I discovered a Harry Potter Trivia Quiz.

Joy!

I love quizzes. I’m pretty much OCD when it comes to quizzing and/or collecting in video games. I  must do it.

Problem is that it’s multiplayer only, so I sit and wait for someone to join me.

Which they did, eventually. It’s a new setup so there were plenty of people around, and one eventually sat down and played the quiz with me.

The quiz is first to 10 points.

Do I really need to spell it out for you?

When the score was 5-1 in my favour they quit.

Really?

Really?

Playing a full round is too much to bother with? Even with little pygmy puffs jumping around on the table between us?

It’s not even as if there’s stats they had to protect. They just couldn’t deal with losing at a piddly trivia quiz.

I played another couple of games, some of which I only just squeaked a win, some weren’t even close. It’s a tricky quiz, especially when you realise what non-sensical bollocks there actually is in those 7 books.

So I’m having a good time and I sit and wait for another challenger (though the game can host up to 6 at a time).

One sits down, the game begins.

First question, I get it right, they get it wrong, score is now 1-0 to me.

They quit.

What .. The .. Fuck.

Do you know how much I want to find this person and slap them?

Slap them good and proper.

I don’t care if it’s a five year old girl, they need to know that shit isn’t right.

They need to learn.

There needs to be something next to every user’s username that indicates whether they’re a massive ragequitting cockbadger.

Call it the Massive RageQuitting CockBadger badge if you like. Just so that when you’re in the middle of a MarioKart tournament and the game dumps out because of a lack of opposition, you’re at least pre-warned.

Even if they’re a little girl.

So my dad gave me some games for Christmas. He usually does, even though he has no idea what he’s doing. But it’s easy for him since my sister, my mother and I all have Nintendo DS’s then he just wombles towards a video game shop, or the game aisle of Tesco or something and buys six games, two for each of us.

They’re usually not worth the bother, but this year he grabbed an extra special treat out of the bag, and it’s so hilariously, monumentally and tragically awful I have to share it with you.

This isn’t to say that I want my dad to change in the slightest. His random hit ratio is somewhere around 60%. I’ve seen him pull a few absolute gems using his methodology, and this game gave me a few hours worth of entertainment value so there’s not really a loss, especially since I know he won’t have paid much money for any of his purchases.

Anyway, the game. You might have worked it out from the blog title alone, but just in case you missed it, it’s GARFIELD GETS REAL for the DS.

And before we go any further I will announce right out that it’s a monumental pile of rancid donkey turds. In the grand scheme of things it scores a 2 out of 10. And that’s pretty low. Sometime soon I’ll have to go into my opinions of the 1-10 scale of grading games, but for now, just accept it’s a 2. OK?

Now that I’ve given you my conclusion, let’s take it from the start shall we?

Garfield. A fat yellow cat who loves lasagne, hates Mondays and is lazy. That’s the entirety of the description of the character and the source of 99% of the so-called jokes in the comic strip.

Once upon a time I used to like Garfield. I had a few of the books, I bought the monthly comic, and I smiled quite often at it. I don’t remember laughing much, but smiling, yes. Then, once long ago, it all got spoiled for me by a cynical friend pointing out that Jim Davis created Garfield as a marketing exercise, rather than any sense of cartoonish creativeness, and didn’t he do well out of it? He is, and forever will be, remembered in the marketing hall of fame for his creation. Note, that’s the actual marketing hall of fame, not the cartoon hall of fame.

Now when I read Garfield I just can’t get past how much of a cynical exercise it is, for him the writer, for the publisher, and for me, the reader. It’s all in the name of money and it’s not really that funny. I will give you the one solo comic that still makes me laugh. I’d guess even cynical marketers can hit a creative and comedic nerve every now and then.

You’ll have to forgive me if this description doesn’t quite match the visual representation…

 

Jim sits and prepares to eat a lasagne.

Garfield plummets from the ceiling into the middle of the dish.

Jim : I want to know why you did that!

Garfield : It’s not half as interesting as how I got up there in the first place.

 

Simple, to the point, and vaguely absurd. I’m smiling now even thinking of that.

So I suppose the point is that even now, in my cast iron heart I have a slightly warm atom or two for the fat lazy bastard.

So, on to the game.

It seems to be something about a film. Which it asks you to name, so after a few efforts at trying to find a cat-themed name, I discover that ‘WetPussy’ just fits perfectly.

 

CHAPTER 1 : THE BEDROOM

Garfield wakes up, and all of a sudden is assaulted with numerous books flying off the shelves, of which he must capture 20 or so. Left, right, jump – That’s the controls, and there’s no sideways jump either.

The room, the books and Garfield have all been modelled well enough, so why is the game as clunky as this?

In fact, right from the word go I’m having problems. Why would a cat be interested in books, much less a fat lazy cat? Why can’t I jump sideways? What is the point of this, and what’s with the random coins dropping from the sky?

I’ll figure it out later. Just a couple more books to catch…. And we’re done.

Well that was easy. Mind you, it is the first level.

 

CHAPTER 2 : THE KITCHEN

Garfield is hungry. This part is easily believable. Jon will be cooking breakfast and so your mission is to help Garfield eat. You do this by moving him left and right and jumping to catch what Jon throws…. Hang on one mother chomping minute…

This is exactly the same as the last level. Jon is at the oven throwing sausages, eggs and pizzas over his shoulder, this time with the occasional inclusion of empty plates which give Garfield a headache when he accidentally catches one.

I call bullshit.

I’ve already done this on the previous level, I don’t want to be doing it again. And there’s the coins again. What do they do? As far as I can tell, nothing. Oh, my bad, they give you some points. And what do the points mean? Absolutely bugger all. I suppose they could give you a better rating at the end of the levels and the end of the game, but it’s so naffing arbitrary that it’s meaningless.

Lets not forget the collision detection is so bad that with a full minute to go and I need two more items I catch 6 of them but only score 1. So I have to go through it all over again, which is incredibly dull, and hardly a challenge now that I got the idea of what I’m doing.

 

CHAPTER 3 : THE STUDIO / PARK

Right, back to the plot. Garfield, being a fictional character, has work to do. He must go to the studio and pose for the strips to be created. Which means that for some reason they have created a movie-like set of a park for him to walk through, with a singularly insipid comment meant to pass as humour.

So, we’re in a park. This is where the difficulty ramps up to a ridiculous level.

Ok. So first things first. You have very little control. Garfield is on a rail. You can walk, stop or leap forward. That’s it. No running, no going backwards, no jumping on the spot. You have 3 controls and sometimes the game just ignores what you press anyway so you’re in a spot of bother right there.

Obstacles are insultingly dangerous from the word go. Swingsets that you must walk underneath while they’re swinging. Steps you can’t walk up, you’ve got to jump. Gaps small and large you have to carefully measure, because you’ll probably leap over the hole and the land beyond it right into the next hole. And then you have the swinging handles next, which are randomly timed so sometimes they’re literally impossible to cross.

It is worth pointing out at this juncture that this level is one-shot-kill, with even worse collision detection and woppingly fragile controls.

What does this mean? It means that you’ll be getting ready to see the level select screen again, and again, and again, and again.

I’m not bad at games. Really I’m not. I’ve been playing them for over 30 years, but when one platformer level takes me over 3 hours to complete then I call bullshit. Oh yes, and there’s no checkpoint either. You do it in one go, or not at all.

Numerous times did I call the game a bag of shit. The only reason I carried on was a perverse obsessive wonderment as to how bad the game could get from here. You could tell from a quick glance at the level select that there’s only 7 levels, so how bad can it get?

Oh yes, and the coins? They’re bullshit too. In this level I scored ten times what I had on previous levels, simply from the coins you’re forced to walk through alone. It’s all worthless and will make you hate Garfield more than you ever had before.

 

INTERLUDE

While desperately trying to understand this game, and complete the third level I took time out to do some research. I wanted to know what the internet thought about this game.

While looking I found that this game doesn’t stand alone. I found it’s based on, or revolves around a film of the same name, Garfield Gets Real. If the game is anything like the film then I really don’t want to see the film. My god it must be awful.

I’m struggling to find anything to do with the game online, so I return to that tax-dodging seller of all things, Amazon. Within seconds I am shocked, yes shocked, by what I see there.

Garfield Gets Real has a 5 star rating!

Do my eyes deceive me? No, it’s right there, GGR has five out of five stars. Nope, hang on, that’s one review. One and only one review. So let’s have a look at the review… and what I found made me laugh and broke my heart at the same time. I deliver it for you here so you can share it with me.

“This is a christmas present for my grandson so I am sure he will love it as he is Garfield mad!”

Poor, poor kid. And yes, this is what is wrong with the industry, people buying games when they don’t have a clue. But even better is when they leave five star reviews without any intention of looking at the product.

And THAT is what the internet has to say about this game.

 

CHAPTER 4 : THE REAL WORLD

In a completely unpredictable twist of the plot, and far beyond any ability to care, Garfield has been booted into the real world. Oh, and he’s hungry again. So this time we’re walking around a park following a hot-dog vendor as he drops hot dogs and we’ve got to catch them.

Let’s just skip over the part where the hot dogs that he drops look amazingly like burgers. Burgers with a bite already taken out of them. Yum.

So more shitty catching things. We’re back to level one, aren’t we?

 

CHAPTER 5 : ARE WE REALLY STILL PLAYING THIS RUBBISH?

Garfield climbs onto a fence in the middle of the night and rubbish is thrown at him, some of it is edible. Really? Are we still playing this shite? It’s level 5 and it’s the same as 3 of the previous levels.

Oh yes, let’s not skip over the dance section. Somewhere in the middle of the level timer, everything stops so that Garfield can have a bit of a dance. You have to hit the right dance control as the marker hits the middle of the screen. It’s non-sensical, meaningless, almost impossible without knowing what the controls you’re supposed to be drawing are, and they make no difference to the outcome of the level. And there’s one in almost every level so far. But that’s because…

 

CHAPTER 6 : GARFIELD AUDITIONS – DANCE CONTEST

Now we have to assume plot for a minute. Garfield has escaped to the real world, leaving a hole in his comic. So they need a new Garfield to replace him. So they hold auditions. In the real world.

Am I the only person that spots the flaw here?

Hang on, I just remembered that I just don’t care.

Same as the developers.

Bazinga!

So they hold auditions, in the form of a dance contest to find someone or something that could double for Garfield, of which Garfield has to take part. Really? What part of Garfield’s entire life leads you to believe that he’s a good dancer? Or can even move at all? Not an eating contest, not a sleeping contest, not even a wit-based sardonic comment competition. Dancing.

And let’s not forget that the dancing consists of a list of moves the game wants you to remember and perform, and as of yet the game has yet to tell you what markings you make on the lower screen to achieve any of these moves.

So, see up to 8 moves, convert to commands in your head, then remember them and perform them in the right order at the right time.

Thank god I have a good memory.

 

CHAPTER 7 : RESCUE ODIE

We’re not quite done with this bullshit yet. The final level is another tedious rail-based platforming level with the same three controls, walk, stop and leap. This time inside a burning building jumping over flames, swinging on chains and leaping over holes and rolling boulders.

Its crap. What’s more is that it’s crap and a damn sight easier than level 3. Eventually you get to Odie and that’s it. Level finished.

Game finished.

That’s it. That’s the same amount of fanfare you get after finishing this bloated abortion of a game. It’s also what you should have done when you first saw it. Put it down, walk away.

There is no glory here, only regret.

Well hello there, come on in.

You can take your shoes off if you like, unless you have verruccas or some sort of toe fungus, you can keep that to yourself.

Now before you go too far I’d like to show you around. Over there is where the swimming pool will go, and not too far away is the library, but don’t worry about that since I’ll not be allowing you into those sections when they’re built.

VagueNet is 9 years old.

Nine years of rampant idiocy, offensive statements and uninformed opinions. It’s all been right here, whether you’ve been here or not.

Most likely not.

Soooo, what do we actually have for you? Well there’s sections in development about VAGUE and what it means, where it is and how and where to game with people in VAGUE, plus bits and pieces to do with me, like special projects elsewhere on the tinterwebs what I has done and even things that you can buy.

All that’s to come.

Of course one tiny little addition that you might notice is the comments section. It was a tiny experiment I tried around 6 or 7 years ago, but sadly enough within a few weeks of activation the back rooms of VagueNet had been badly hacked and filled with what I’m assuming was nasty horse porn.

I deleted it without looking. There are some things you just don’t want to know.

Then I shut down the comments section. It was a worthy effort.

Now you might have noticed that it is a little different around here. Well it’s not going to stay like this since I’ll be rejiggering the look of VagueNet until I’m happy with it. I’m also working on giving users avatars but we’re not quite there yet.

Not .. quite … yet.

You might also notice that there’s no archive. Yeah, the great fire of ’12 pretty much burned that out completely. There’s nothing more left.

That’s a lie.

Sorry about that. I don’t really like to lie.

What am I saying, lying is my 3^rd favourite hobby.

Yeah, I’ll try and put all those bits you love back, it just might take a while.

Yes, even the Pie.