The Big Book of Vague Roleplay : stories

STORIES

Some of the dumb things me and my crews have got up to. Feel free to add in interesting tales of your own.

DEADLANDS

Vic : "Go cause a distraction"
Jonah : "OK..."
So Jonah then tromps to the other end of the train.
Jonah : "Everybody put your hands in the air, this is a robbery!"
"You must be the dumbest son of a bitch on earth" said Wild Bill Hickok

Dom : "So where do you think we went wrong?"
Jon [GM] : "Well, it could have been when you shot those two guards, or possibly when you tortured them for info they didn't have. Or possibly when you urinated on their unconscious body. Or possibly when you broke into the restricted area in a very obvious manner. Or even it might be cos Gonzo over there kept pissing off Wild Bill Hickok."
Shep : "OK, but can you identify the point of no return?"
Jon : "Oh, that would be when you snapped the neck of the guy trying to help you. Tell me, did you miss the night class on being 'Good' guys?"

In the middle of the plains of Texas, there's a little farm. The posse have come here to rest for the night. They've been given food, shelter, warmth and hospitality. There is nothing wrong, no signs on the wind, no evil lurking.
Dashwood : "This feels wrong, let's kill them all"
Jack : "What about the priest? He won't like us doing that"
Dashwood : "We'll just have to knock him out first and blame the farmer"

Rick : "How much is the whore?"
Jon [GM] : "Ten Dollars"
Rick : "Pricey, I like it. Can I roll for Performin'?"
Jon : "If you must"
Rick : "Woo, 19! Can I get a dollar back?"

Deep in the dungeon, they're stranded without weapons. Over the course of 5 hours they've managed to gain posession of one pistol and a halberd. The last thing they killed drops a sword.
Dashwood : "I'm taking the sword"
Hartford : "No, I killed the thing, I get the sword"
Dashwood : "You've got the gun"
Hartford : "With only two bullets!"
Dashwood : "It's still a gun"
Hartford : "You've got the halberd"
Dashwood : "And I'm taking the sword"
Hartford : "No, it's my sword, I claimed it"
Repeat ad nauseam for at least an hour. Then the posse moves on into the next room. Which is the Armoury. With many swords.

AD&D

A random treasure roll threw up a vorpal longsword (at odds of about 5,000/1). Our party fighter promptly began dispatching foes with glee, ultimately felling the boss of the campaign (some kind of demon) in one hit. Afterwards another GM took over, and for a while things continued as normal. Then one day we came across another demon, standing guard over some portal:
Phil : "I draw my longsword"
Ad [GM] : "It isn't there."

PRETENDERS

As a great reward, a Wish-Demon arrives to present people with whatever they desire. Alexander has recently been twisted into being a masochist.
Palladus : "So what do you desire the most?"
Alexander : "I'd like an eternity of pain and suffering, please"

The Archangel Michael. Angel of the Sword. Vicious. Nasty. Ultimately Powerful and Warrior for thousands of years.
Alexander : "Who's the big poof in the white?"

Thor vs The Pretenders. Much thrills, spills and electrobolts flying everywhere. Eric (the Ogre) tackles Thor head on.
Thor : Grapple.... Throw
Eric : "You can't do that!"
Thor : "Why not?"
Eric : "I'm an Ogre"
Thor : "I'm a God"
Eric : "Good point .... WAAAAAAAAAAH!" WHAM!

RANDOM OTHER GAMES

So there I am, witch woman and herbalist, in the middle of town when we find out the Mayor's Daughter has a heart problem. No worries says I, lets have a look at her. So we take a look and I start whipping up a potion. (Roll of dice : 00. PERFECT BOTCH) Groovy, nip down to the apothecary and pick up some Foxglove, Hemlock, Poison Ivy, Arsenic, Curare and Marmite.

Hang on a sec, am I sure this is the right recipe? (Roll Dice : 00. ANOTHER PERFECT BOTCH, GM needs a break) YEP, this'll definately work. So I nip down to her house, "Take some of that and call me in the morning". Off to bed. In the morning there's a bit of a kerfuffle out in the street, apparently she died. Oh shame, must have been something else, can't have been my potion. No need for us to stick around, lets go.

Later on we're on the trail and sat around the campfire for the night. Ooooh, I'm not feeling too well, feels like my heart. (GM Giggles) Oh well, I'll see if I can remember that great potion. (Roll Dice : 01. PERFECT SUCCESS. That's 3 x 1/100. That's 1:1000000). Yep, remember it perfectly. Gimme that Hemlock. (Help?)

Jon : "It's a whirlpool, Gareth"
Gareth : "Yeah, I'm seeing what it does"
Jon : "It's a WHIRLPOOL, Gareth"
Gareth : "Yes, And?.... Oh. I just died"
Jon : "Yes, it's a whirlpool, Gareth"

Andy : "So how do be break in to the base?"
Jon : "Well, we're dribbly alien insects and they're humans, yes?"
Andy : "Yeeeeess...."
Jon : "I say we knock on the door, then when they answer it we jump on them and suck on their faces"
Andy : "Any particular reason why?"
Jon : "It'd scare the bejeezus out of me, I can tell you"

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